Dox is bummed again.

I've reached a point in life where paths are being closed off to me. The point of no return, if you will.

I know what I want. Or at least, what I think I want. I want to live the life of the mind, pushing the boundaries in my field--computer science for those interested, though it doesn't really matter for this bit of complaining--forward in new and interesting ways. I feel most alive when I'm gaming--tabletop and otherwise--or when I'm solving an interesting problem. Seeing as I'm unlikely to be able to make a living doing the former, all of my serious efforts have been invested into the latter. My ultimate goal is a Ph.D, focused in artificial intelligence and/or robotics.

Today was senior project presentations. We started on ours last year--this was essentially the climax of six months of work. And naturally, everything that could have possibly gone wrong with my presentation did. I prepared for it as well as I know how, but somehow I managed to send myself the wrong version of both my power-point AND my program, so errors I had corrected and bugs I had eliminated were still present during the presentation. Topping things off, the one bug that I was legitimately unable to remove in time was jumped on by the professor who's actually taught me AI and robotics--whose support is absolutely critical to getting me into a suitable graduate school. My explanation left him visibly and deeply unimpressed, as well as the rest of the room. The aura of pity from the other students in the room was almost tangible. Naturally, about ten minutes into the next presentation, I thought of what I should have said. Too little, too late.

I fear a lot of paths that I actually wanted to investigate were closed to me today. My grades are good, but without strong letters of recommendation from this professor, getting to do what I want to do is at best unlikely. My performance in past classes of his has been good, but the sloppy blunders I committed today will likely be the primary thing on his mind as I ask him to write a recommendation letter. The other professors too.

I find myself wondering what I could live with. I know I wouldn't be able to manage standard labor-force work--everyone in my family end has ended up there so far, and from what I've seen of them, it makes them all miserable. I don't think I'm strong enough to handle that. Would I be able to handle the type of work that a simple bachelor's degree would net me? I've never been good at working on someone else's terms on problems that don't necessarily interest me. I can't see myself being happy like that.

Plus, this is horrible area and a horrible economic state to graduate into. My odds of finding a job right now are lower than they've been in years. My family's gone into massive debt to get me through college, and they're about to have to do it again to get my brother through as well--and it looks like he won't have the same scholarships chances as I. I need to get my act together, because my family needs another source of income--or at least for me to stop being completely dependent on them. As it's shaping up right now, I won't even be able to do that much.

I'm depressed and I feel like an utter failure right now. Most of my peers have jobs arranged already--many of them are already working them, even. They're moving onwards, and have a lot to look forward to, and I feel as though I've already been left behind.

I'm pissed off because every single one of them got those jobs through connections established by relatives or acquaintances who're already involved wherever they're working. They didn't have to find these jobs and opportunities; they came to them. I see no opportunities for me here simply because I'm part of the first generation in my family to go beyond high school. That others can get everything handed to them while I can't find anything at all is determined not by merit, but by who we know--the injustice of it makes my blood boil.

I find myself asking which is worse. Realizing that you're not as good as you thought? Or that the world isn't as good as you thought?