I've reached a point in life where paths are being closed off to me. The point of no return, if you will.
I know what I want. Or at least, what I think I want. I want to live the life of the mind, pushing the boundaries in my field--computer science for those interested, though it doesn't really matter for this bit of complaining--forward in new and interesting ways. I feel most alive when I'm gaming--tabletop and otherwise--or when I'm solving an interesting problem. Seeing as I'm unlikely to be able to make a living doing the former, all of my serious efforts have been invested into the latter. My ultimate goal is a Ph.D, focused in artificial intelligence and/or robotics.
Today was senior project presentations. We started on ours last year--this was essentially the climax of six months of work. And naturally, everything that could have possibly gone wrong with my presentation did. I prepared for it as well as I know how, but somehow I managed to send myself the wrong version of both my power-point AND my program, so errors I had corrected and bugs I had eliminated were still present during the presentation. Topping things off, the one bug that I was legitimately unable to remove in time was jumped on by the professor who's actually taught me AI and robotics--whose support is absolutely critical to getting me into a suitable graduate school. My explanation left him visibly and deeply unimpressed, as well as the rest of the room. The aura of pity from the other students in the room was almost tangible. Naturally, about ten minutes into the next presentation, I thought of what I should have said. Too little, too late.
I fear a lot of paths that I actually wanted to investigate were closed to me today. My grades are good, but without strong letters of recommendation from this professor, getting to do what I want to do is at best unlikely. My performance in past classes of his has been good, but the sloppy blunders I committed today will likely be the primary thing on his mind as I ask him to write a recommendation letter. The other professors too.
I find myself wondering what I could live with. I know I wouldn't be able to manage standard labor-force work--everyone in my family end has ended up there so far, and from what I've seen of them, it makes them all miserable. I don't think I'm strong enough to handle that. Would I be able to handle the type of work that a simple bachelor's degree would net me? I've never been good at working on someone else's terms on problems that don't necessarily interest me. I can't see myself being happy like that.
Plus, this is horrible area and a horrible economic state to graduate into. My odds of finding a job right now are lower than they've been in years. My family's gone into massive debt to get me through college, and they're about to have to do it again to get my brother through as well--and it looks like he won't have the same scholarships chances as I. I need to get my act together, because my family needs another source of income--or at least for me to stop being completely dependent on them. As it's shaping up right now, I won't even be able to do that much.
I'm depressed and I feel like an utter failure right now. Most of my peers have jobs arranged already--many of them are already working them, even. They're moving onwards, and have a lot to look forward to, and I feel as though I've already been left behind.
I'm pissed off because every single one of them got those jobs through connections established by relatives or acquaintances who're already involved wherever they're working. They didn't have to find these jobs and opportunities; they came to them. I see no opportunities for me here simply because I'm part of the first generation in my family to go beyond high school. That others can get everything handed to them while I can't find anything at all is determined not by merit, but by who we know--the injustice of it makes my blood boil.
I find myself asking which is worse. Realizing that you're not as good as you thought? Or that the world isn't as good as you thought?
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Saturday, October 4, 2008
Obligations suck sometimes.
Or maybe all the time. I'm not sure.
So, I've put Talmirah on hold. I didn't expect it to be quite as difficult as it was. I mean, life's been a prolonged mental breakdown for the past week or two, but it really hit as I put up that post. I was able to keep it together long enough to finish informing the DMs of the various games I'd been participating in that I'd either be sparse at best, or dropping all together. But man, once that was done and I made it back into my room, that was it for that day.
I'm still not sure what to do about this situation. My classes this semester are as follows:
Astronomy--so far, barely more than fifth grade science. I could sleep through it and still ace it--which is what I'm doing right now. I'll glance over the notes for the next exam, spend maybe an hour preparing for it, and I guarantee you I'll ace it.
Statistics--a 200 level class. I spent less than an hour preparing for the last exam and made a solid B. I also get the impression that the professor really likes me. I intend to spend a little longer working on the next exam to get it up to an A, but I'm pretty sure my grade in there will be where I want it without excessive effort. Gotta keep up with it, but I'll be fine there.
Scientific Computing--it's 300 level, but it's taught by a very lenient, easy-going professor. He's more into projects than exams, and on my first paper I got a 99--the one point I lost was because I put a - where there was supposed to be a +, which was honestly a pretty huge mistake. The projects are time-consuming, but typically fairly interesting, so I'll do well in there.
And the last: Internet Programming. This is where almost all the roots of my troubles are right now. I'mma spend more than a paragraph on this one, because the situation's actually quite complicated.
Firstly, the lecture portion. It's actually quite interesting. We deal with a lot of stuff related to how the Internet actually works at an optimal level--it's really amazing how much thought went into getting the protocols together in such a way that things actually end up working properly. I enjoy this part.
Unfortunately, it's by far the least important part of the class. The quizzes and exams aren't over what we talk about in class at all. At most half of the things that came up on the midterm were talked about in any kind of depth in class. One of the questions--worth 15 points on a 100 point exam--was mentioned over two paragraphs in our 60+ page chapter. In class, when it came up, it was waved off as the problem of engineers and physicists rather than computer scientists. And here it is, worth a letter grade and a half, and I didn't study it all because he indicated other things--which didn't appear at all--would be more important. I call bullshit.
I like the way another friend of mine put it. The infamous exams of one of our other professors are well known for being absurdly difficult. But I would never call bullshit on one of those exams like I do on this one for one simple reason: there is NEVER anything on there that I don't expect. Meanwhile, with this new guy, the only study guidance we get might as well be something like memorize then entire 60 page chapter. Several other students feel this way, but there were two students who actually made A's on the exam, so he seems to think that the problem is with the other 80% of the class.
Just drop the class? Ah, if only it were that simple. Unfortunately, my scholarship requires that I have so many hours a semester, and as I understand things, if I fail to meet the requirements at the end of the year, they can request that money back. If that were to happen, either I would have to go so deep into dept to pay it off that I would be working for at least five years to get it all back--ruining my chances of graduate school--or my family would have to shoulder the burden, and there wouldn't be enough money left to send my little brother to college. I might be able to take a fifth class to make up for it next semester, but my schedule there already looks hellish and adding another might be too much.
Not all is lost, though. 40% of my Internet Programming grade is determined by projects--and I'm confident I've aced the first one. 40% isn't enough, and due to the overall poor performance on the first exam, the professor's said he might consider lowering the weight on it. Basically, it all comes down to the next exam. Not long after the second midterm is the deadline to drop without it affecting my GPA, and if I'm not going to be able to come out of there with at least a C, I'll lose my scholarship either way.
The whole situation pisses me off. My grades are mostly A's and B's, and most of those didn't require full effort from me. Yet here I am, busting my ass for a single class because a professor doesn't know how to make a reasonable exam. It makes my blood boil.
The end result is that I can't enjoy the things I've grown used to. I never realized how much time Talmirah took from me. I enjoyed all of it though, and I really miss it already. Still, I know I can't pick it back up for now. I'm still going to get back to it eventually, but right now it looks like--at the soonest--it'll be November before I have the time to get things started again. Senior Projects wrap up in two weeks or so, and I need to be working on graduate school applications this month.
*Sigh* And so, back to the grind for now.
So, I've put Talmirah on hold. I didn't expect it to be quite as difficult as it was. I mean, life's been a prolonged mental breakdown for the past week or two, but it really hit as I put up that post. I was able to keep it together long enough to finish informing the DMs of the various games I'd been participating in that I'd either be sparse at best, or dropping all together. But man, once that was done and I made it back into my room, that was it for that day.
I'm still not sure what to do about this situation. My classes this semester are as follows:
Astronomy--so far, barely more than fifth grade science. I could sleep through it and still ace it--which is what I'm doing right now. I'll glance over the notes for the next exam, spend maybe an hour preparing for it, and I guarantee you I'll ace it.
Statistics--a 200 level class. I spent less than an hour preparing for the last exam and made a solid B. I also get the impression that the professor really likes me. I intend to spend a little longer working on the next exam to get it up to an A, but I'm pretty sure my grade in there will be where I want it without excessive effort. Gotta keep up with it, but I'll be fine there.
Scientific Computing--it's 300 level, but it's taught by a very lenient, easy-going professor. He's more into projects than exams, and on my first paper I got a 99--the one point I lost was because I put a - where there was supposed to be a +, which was honestly a pretty huge mistake. The projects are time-consuming, but typically fairly interesting, so I'll do well in there.
And the last: Internet Programming. This is where almost all the roots of my troubles are right now. I'mma spend more than a paragraph on this one, because the situation's actually quite complicated.
Firstly, the lecture portion. It's actually quite interesting. We deal with a lot of stuff related to how the Internet actually works at an optimal level--it's really amazing how much thought went into getting the protocols together in such a way that things actually end up working properly. I enjoy this part.
Unfortunately, it's by far the least important part of the class. The quizzes and exams aren't over what we talk about in class at all. At most half of the things that came up on the midterm were talked about in any kind of depth in class. One of the questions--worth 15 points on a 100 point exam--was mentioned over two paragraphs in our 60+ page chapter. In class, when it came up, it was waved off as the problem of engineers and physicists rather than computer scientists. And here it is, worth a letter grade and a half, and I didn't study it all because he indicated other things--which didn't appear at all--would be more important. I call bullshit.
I like the way another friend of mine put it. The infamous exams of one of our other professors are well known for being absurdly difficult. But I would never call bullshit on one of those exams like I do on this one for one simple reason: there is NEVER anything on there that I don't expect. Meanwhile, with this new guy, the only study guidance we get might as well be something like memorize then entire 60 page chapter. Several other students feel this way, but there were two students who actually made A's on the exam, so he seems to think that the problem is with the other 80% of the class.
Just drop the class? Ah, if only it were that simple. Unfortunately, my scholarship requires that I have so many hours a semester, and as I understand things, if I fail to meet the requirements at the end of the year, they can request that money back. If that were to happen, either I would have to go so deep into dept to pay it off that I would be working for at least five years to get it all back--ruining my chances of graduate school--or my family would have to shoulder the burden, and there wouldn't be enough money left to send my little brother to college. I might be able to take a fifth class to make up for it next semester, but my schedule there already looks hellish and adding another might be too much.
Not all is lost, though. 40% of my Internet Programming grade is determined by projects--and I'm confident I've aced the first one. 40% isn't enough, and due to the overall poor performance on the first exam, the professor's said he might consider lowering the weight on it. Basically, it all comes down to the next exam. Not long after the second midterm is the deadline to drop without it affecting my GPA, and if I'm not going to be able to come out of there with at least a C, I'll lose my scholarship either way.
The whole situation pisses me off. My grades are mostly A's and B's, and most of those didn't require full effort from me. Yet here I am, busting my ass for a single class because a professor doesn't know how to make a reasonable exam. It makes my blood boil.
The end result is that I can't enjoy the things I've grown used to. I never realized how much time Talmirah took from me. I enjoyed all of it though, and I really miss it already. Still, I know I can't pick it back up for now. I'm still going to get back to it eventually, but right now it looks like--at the soonest--it'll be November before I have the time to get things started again. Senior Projects wrap up in two weeks or so, and I need to be working on graduate school applications this month.
*Sigh* And so, back to the grind for now.
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