I hate spring

Seriously, this is the worst goddamn time of the year. I. CANNOT. BREATHE. I've been sneezing like mad, and my eyes itch. EVERY FUCKING THING is covered in pollen. My normally white truck is suddenly very, very yellow. I cannot understate my envy of those who don't have to deal with this shit every year. The bugs don't help things either. Also, it's already getting hot, and the AC is broken in the Linux Lab, so it's absolutely unbearable up here normally. However, I have begun bringing my fan up with me, and that makes things bearable. Still, I have a very difficult time concentrating when I'm in a hot environment, which makes it very difficult to work in here.



On another topic... I'm not sure what brought this up, but I was doing some introspection last week and I believe I have narrowed down what causes most of my problems in life. Put bluntly, I lack focus and motivation. I have a very difficult time convincing myself to work when there isn't a lot of pressure to get shit done. Normally this isn't a problem--I work really well under pressure, and I almost never turn in anything late because the day or two beforehand is quite enough time to get most of my stuff done. I know procrastination isn't a unique problem, but it's still something that causes me a lot of grief when multiple things are going to happen over a three day period.

More of a problem is my lack of focus. I've been having a hard time focusing on one thing, which causes yet more work problems. As I type this, actually, my mind occasionally wanders to the Algorithms work I'm procrastinating for right now. I also just got done wandering the internet aimlessly for about five minutes before returning to type this sentence, and it wasn't intentional; I wasn't even thinking about it. It's shit like that, man...

The real kicker here is that, in spite of having identified these problems, I have no idea what to do about them. Knowing the problem without knowing the solution (or even the approach one might use to come to the solution) is just infuriating to me.


I hate to seem emo here, but lately things just seem kind of... I dunno. Boring? Empty? I'm absurdly burnt out, I think. I have no real friends up here--a lot of acquaintances that I occasionally bullshit around with, but actual friends I know well and might go to their rooms for no other reason than to hang around with them? Zero. There were three, but two have been expelled and I don't really talk with the last anymore (these are related, and merit another post in and of themselves). I'm not sure what to do about this.

I guess my DnD group would be somewhere above that, but not much; I've actually been very seriously considering leaving that game since last session. Going from level 6 to level 15 between sessions just seems like bad DMing to me. I'll live with two levels; sometimes that's merited. But at this point, it seems like he's having the PCs fit with the game rather than the game fit the PCs. We should lose battles sometimes. Every war is going to have its losses, where the heroes flee from death and regroup elsewhere. Also, at this point, I don't really feel threatened by anything he sends at us. I think of myself as a moderately experienced DM at this point, and in in-person sessions, I've come to be able to spot where the DM flubs to keep players alive. He's done that several times now. He's afraid to kill a character, and in a game like that, I no longer feel threatened. He's otherwise a pretty cool DM, but I have a hard time having fun in a DnD game if death isn't a serious possibility.

Really, the DM isn't the problem as much as the players. The swordsage doesn't roleplay--he's there to fight, and little else (though I admit he does combat rather well). The duskblade is much the same, but not quite as bad about not roleplaying and not NEARLY as good at the combat. The crusader (evil) actually roleplays his character well, and of the current players he would be the one most welcomed at my table. He's not too good at the fighting bit, but he pulls his weight. The gunmage (think sorcerer but not as good) is mostly dead weight in combat, and his roleplay is minimal. The druid is new, and doesn't roleplay at all, but I'll forgive her for that--she's still learning the rules. With a bit of help from me, she has become the second strongest character in the game (next to me; the wizard). Overall, I'm unimpressed with the group and I'd probably ditch them if another game became available. But, it gives me something to do on the weekend, so for now I'll stick around.

Bleh. Bitching is done. Publish post.