I've reached a point in life where paths are being closed off to me. The point of no return, if you will.
I know what I want. Or at least, what I think I want. I want to live the life of the mind, pushing the boundaries in my field--computer science for those interested, though it doesn't really matter for this bit of complaining--forward in new and interesting ways. I feel most alive when I'm gaming--tabletop and otherwise--or when I'm solving an interesting problem. Seeing as I'm unlikely to be able to make a living doing the former, all of my serious efforts have been invested into the latter. My ultimate goal is a Ph.D, focused in artificial intelligence and/or robotics.
Today was senior project presentations. We started on ours last year--this was essentially the climax of six months of work. And naturally, everything that could have possibly gone wrong with my presentation did. I prepared for it as well as I know how, but somehow I managed to send myself the wrong version of both my power-point AND my program, so errors I had corrected and bugs I had eliminated were still present during the presentation. Topping things off, the one bug that I was legitimately unable to remove in time was jumped on by the professor who's actually taught me AI and robotics--whose support is absolutely critical to getting me into a suitable graduate school. My explanation left him visibly and deeply unimpressed, as well as the rest of the room. The aura of pity from the other students in the room was almost tangible. Naturally, about ten minutes into the next presentation, I thought of what I should have said. Too little, too late.
I fear a lot of paths that I actually wanted to investigate were closed to me today. My grades are good, but without strong letters of recommendation from this professor, getting to do what I want to do is at best unlikely. My performance in past classes of his has been good, but the sloppy blunders I committed today will likely be the primary thing on his mind as I ask him to write a recommendation letter. The other professors too.
I find myself wondering what I could live with. I know I wouldn't be able to manage standard labor-force work--everyone in my family end has ended up there so far, and from what I've seen of them, it makes them all miserable. I don't think I'm strong enough to handle that. Would I be able to handle the type of work that a simple bachelor's degree would net me? I've never been good at working on someone else's terms on problems that don't necessarily interest me. I can't see myself being happy like that.
Plus, this is horrible area and a horrible economic state to graduate into. My odds of finding a job right now are lower than they've been in years. My family's gone into massive debt to get me through college, and they're about to have to do it again to get my brother through as well--and it looks like he won't have the same scholarships chances as I. I need to get my act together, because my family needs another source of income--or at least for me to stop being completely dependent on them. As it's shaping up right now, I won't even be able to do that much.
I'm depressed and I feel like an utter failure right now. Most of my peers have jobs arranged already--many of them are already working them, even. They're moving onwards, and have a lot to look forward to, and I feel as though I've already been left behind.
I'm pissed off because every single one of them got those jobs through connections established by relatives or acquaintances who're already involved wherever they're working. They didn't have to find these jobs and opportunities; they came to them. I see no opportunities for me here simply because I'm part of the first generation in my family to go beyond high school. That others can get everything handed to them while I can't find anything at all is determined not by merit, but by who we know--the injustice of it makes my blood boil.
I find myself asking which is worse. Realizing that you're not as good as you thought? Or that the world isn't as good as you thought?
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Saturday, October 4, 2008
Obligations suck sometimes.
Or maybe all the time. I'm not sure.
So, I've put Talmirah on hold. I didn't expect it to be quite as difficult as it was. I mean, life's been a prolonged mental breakdown for the past week or two, but it really hit as I put up that post. I was able to keep it together long enough to finish informing the DMs of the various games I'd been participating in that I'd either be sparse at best, or dropping all together. But man, once that was done and I made it back into my room, that was it for that day.
I'm still not sure what to do about this situation. My classes this semester are as follows:
Astronomy--so far, barely more than fifth grade science. I could sleep through it and still ace it--which is what I'm doing right now. I'll glance over the notes for the next exam, spend maybe an hour preparing for it, and I guarantee you I'll ace it.
Statistics--a 200 level class. I spent less than an hour preparing for the last exam and made a solid B. I also get the impression that the professor really likes me. I intend to spend a little longer working on the next exam to get it up to an A, but I'm pretty sure my grade in there will be where I want it without excessive effort. Gotta keep up with it, but I'll be fine there.
Scientific Computing--it's 300 level, but it's taught by a very lenient, easy-going professor. He's more into projects than exams, and on my first paper I got a 99--the one point I lost was because I put a - where there was supposed to be a +, which was honestly a pretty huge mistake. The projects are time-consuming, but typically fairly interesting, so I'll do well in there.
And the last: Internet Programming. This is where almost all the roots of my troubles are right now. I'mma spend more than a paragraph on this one, because the situation's actually quite complicated.
Firstly, the lecture portion. It's actually quite interesting. We deal with a lot of stuff related to how the Internet actually works at an optimal level--it's really amazing how much thought went into getting the protocols together in such a way that things actually end up working properly. I enjoy this part.
Unfortunately, it's by far the least important part of the class. The quizzes and exams aren't over what we talk about in class at all. At most half of the things that came up on the midterm were talked about in any kind of depth in class. One of the questions--worth 15 points on a 100 point exam--was mentioned over two paragraphs in our 60+ page chapter. In class, when it came up, it was waved off as the problem of engineers and physicists rather than computer scientists. And here it is, worth a letter grade and a half, and I didn't study it all because he indicated other things--which didn't appear at all--would be more important. I call bullshit.
I like the way another friend of mine put it. The infamous exams of one of our other professors are well known for being absurdly difficult. But I would never call bullshit on one of those exams like I do on this one for one simple reason: there is NEVER anything on there that I don't expect. Meanwhile, with this new guy, the only study guidance we get might as well be something like memorize then entire 60 page chapter. Several other students feel this way, but there were two students who actually made A's on the exam, so he seems to think that the problem is with the other 80% of the class.
Just drop the class? Ah, if only it were that simple. Unfortunately, my scholarship requires that I have so many hours a semester, and as I understand things, if I fail to meet the requirements at the end of the year, they can request that money back. If that were to happen, either I would have to go so deep into dept to pay it off that I would be working for at least five years to get it all back--ruining my chances of graduate school--or my family would have to shoulder the burden, and there wouldn't be enough money left to send my little brother to college. I might be able to take a fifth class to make up for it next semester, but my schedule there already looks hellish and adding another might be too much.
Not all is lost, though. 40% of my Internet Programming grade is determined by projects--and I'm confident I've aced the first one. 40% isn't enough, and due to the overall poor performance on the first exam, the professor's said he might consider lowering the weight on it. Basically, it all comes down to the next exam. Not long after the second midterm is the deadline to drop without it affecting my GPA, and if I'm not going to be able to come out of there with at least a C, I'll lose my scholarship either way.
The whole situation pisses me off. My grades are mostly A's and B's, and most of those didn't require full effort from me. Yet here I am, busting my ass for a single class because a professor doesn't know how to make a reasonable exam. It makes my blood boil.
The end result is that I can't enjoy the things I've grown used to. I never realized how much time Talmirah took from me. I enjoyed all of it though, and I really miss it already. Still, I know I can't pick it back up for now. I'm still going to get back to it eventually, but right now it looks like--at the soonest--it'll be November before I have the time to get things started again. Senior Projects wrap up in two weeks or so, and I need to be working on graduate school applications this month.
*Sigh* And so, back to the grind for now.
So, I've put Talmirah on hold. I didn't expect it to be quite as difficult as it was. I mean, life's been a prolonged mental breakdown for the past week or two, but it really hit as I put up that post. I was able to keep it together long enough to finish informing the DMs of the various games I'd been participating in that I'd either be sparse at best, or dropping all together. But man, once that was done and I made it back into my room, that was it for that day.
I'm still not sure what to do about this situation. My classes this semester are as follows:
Astronomy--so far, barely more than fifth grade science. I could sleep through it and still ace it--which is what I'm doing right now. I'll glance over the notes for the next exam, spend maybe an hour preparing for it, and I guarantee you I'll ace it.
Statistics--a 200 level class. I spent less than an hour preparing for the last exam and made a solid B. I also get the impression that the professor really likes me. I intend to spend a little longer working on the next exam to get it up to an A, but I'm pretty sure my grade in there will be where I want it without excessive effort. Gotta keep up with it, but I'll be fine there.
Scientific Computing--it's 300 level, but it's taught by a very lenient, easy-going professor. He's more into projects than exams, and on my first paper I got a 99--the one point I lost was because I put a - where there was supposed to be a +, which was honestly a pretty huge mistake. The projects are time-consuming, but typically fairly interesting, so I'll do well in there.
And the last: Internet Programming. This is where almost all the roots of my troubles are right now. I'mma spend more than a paragraph on this one, because the situation's actually quite complicated.
Firstly, the lecture portion. It's actually quite interesting. We deal with a lot of stuff related to how the Internet actually works at an optimal level--it's really amazing how much thought went into getting the protocols together in such a way that things actually end up working properly. I enjoy this part.
Unfortunately, it's by far the least important part of the class. The quizzes and exams aren't over what we talk about in class at all. At most half of the things that came up on the midterm were talked about in any kind of depth in class. One of the questions--worth 15 points on a 100 point exam--was mentioned over two paragraphs in our 60+ page chapter. In class, when it came up, it was waved off as the problem of engineers and physicists rather than computer scientists. And here it is, worth a letter grade and a half, and I didn't study it all because he indicated other things--which didn't appear at all--would be more important. I call bullshit.
I like the way another friend of mine put it. The infamous exams of one of our other professors are well known for being absurdly difficult. But I would never call bullshit on one of those exams like I do on this one for one simple reason: there is NEVER anything on there that I don't expect. Meanwhile, with this new guy, the only study guidance we get might as well be something like memorize then entire 60 page chapter. Several other students feel this way, but there were two students who actually made A's on the exam, so he seems to think that the problem is with the other 80% of the class.
Just drop the class? Ah, if only it were that simple. Unfortunately, my scholarship requires that I have so many hours a semester, and as I understand things, if I fail to meet the requirements at the end of the year, they can request that money back. If that were to happen, either I would have to go so deep into dept to pay it off that I would be working for at least five years to get it all back--ruining my chances of graduate school--or my family would have to shoulder the burden, and there wouldn't be enough money left to send my little brother to college. I might be able to take a fifth class to make up for it next semester, but my schedule there already looks hellish and adding another might be too much.
Not all is lost, though. 40% of my Internet Programming grade is determined by projects--and I'm confident I've aced the first one. 40% isn't enough, and due to the overall poor performance on the first exam, the professor's said he might consider lowering the weight on it. Basically, it all comes down to the next exam. Not long after the second midterm is the deadline to drop without it affecting my GPA, and if I'm not going to be able to come out of there with at least a C, I'll lose my scholarship either way.
The whole situation pisses me off. My grades are mostly A's and B's, and most of those didn't require full effort from me. Yet here I am, busting my ass for a single class because a professor doesn't know how to make a reasonable exam. It makes my blood boil.
The end result is that I can't enjoy the things I've grown used to. I never realized how much time Talmirah took from me. I enjoyed all of it though, and I really miss it already. Still, I know I can't pick it back up for now. I'm still going to get back to it eventually, but right now it looks like--at the soonest--it'll be November before I have the time to get things started again. Senior Projects wrap up in two weeks or so, and I need to be working on graduate school applications this month.
*Sigh* And so, back to the grind for now.
Friday, September 12, 2008
It's worst when it's not really your fault; or, Dox is bummed out again
I don't really have any friends on campus. I have a group of friends that I've hung out with since grade school (plus a new guy they're living with) who all live together, most of them trying to get through college, but I haven't talked to them lately.
For those guys... I guess I'm still friends with them, but we've all kind of realized the inevitability of an eventual complete separation, and the futility of trying to continue on. It's been building up for a while now--we're going in very different directions. They've been working for a long time now, getting rent for the house they share (which is actually pretty nice, but on the border of a really bad neighborhood). Three of the five are working their way through college slowly but surely, but two of them I doubt will finish. A two-year degree, maybe. Still, they won't be going any further than that. I don't plan to stop until there's a "Doctor" in front of my name. We've been getting busier lately, and we just can't meet up that often anymore. It's been about two months since we last met up, and usually we try to keep in contact via IM, but this time it's just not happening.
I guess what really set it off was one of them--for a very long time, the person I would call my best friend--failing out of college. This came out of left field for me. We became friends in second grade, primarily because we saw each other as academic and intellectual equals (though at the time, we wouldn't said it like that, of course). He wanted to play chess with someone, and no one else in class wanted to learn the rules. Eventually I gave it a try, and from there we became quick friends (and eventually almost equal chess players--I'd favor him at something like 60/40, but we were the only two in class who knew how to play, so that's how it went). Up until late Jr. High, he and I were the two competing for top of class (at that, I won more often than he, but again, I'd say about 60/40). Thing is, his mom divorced his step-dad at something like 8th grade, and I never really got the details from him, but I think that pretty much fucked him up. They then moved to another town far enough away that we didn't see much of each other anymore. Again, no details on my side, but from there it was a downward spiral.
He's going to be entering a police academy sometime soon; getting into law enforcement has always been something he's wanted to do. When we were in Jr. High, he was aiming for lawyer. Now he's going for beat cop--though he's said he hopes to get into some sort of investigator training program once he's built up a bit of a base. I wish him luck, but I don't think he'll be able to do it. He's not the most intimidating person, and I think the first time a big dude gets up in his face and tells him off, he's going to wish he'd reconsidered. I'm worried about it, but there's not much I can do. He's made up his mind. I hope it's not a mistake, but all the evidence indicates that it is. In the end, if it is, I just have to let him make that mistake.
I don't have any friends at college either. I had a group of three others I hung out with a lot last year. Two were dating each other, had been for years now, and I think they had plans to marry the moment they were done with college. The other was a complete genius but also a complete stoner. In the span of about two months, that group fell apart. First, the genius stoner had to drop out--as I understand it, his mom became ill and he needed to stay home to tend to her. He still dropped by though--at least, until someone high in the college administration insulted him. When he responded in spades, he got a restraining order keeping him off the college campus. Meanwhile, the dude involved in the two dating essentially fucks up, and they break up. He goes batshit for a period of about two weeks, and ends up getting himself expelled. I had kind of sided with him during the "choose sides" bit--he'd fucked up, and we both acknowledged it, but I'm the guy he came to for venting. Afterwards, the woman in the relationship and I kind of drifted apart because of that. So that's gone now. There are a few people I sort of hang around with, but I don't think any of us would really call each other "friends."
I guess what got me thinking about this was an unexpected encounter with someone I hung out with in high school. The first time I've really been included in a clique. We were the nerds who were proud of it, flaunted it, reveled in it. We even had an official school organization--E.L.F.S. I forget what the acronym stood for. Extracurricular L.A.R.P. and... something Society. No actual LARPs happened, but there was some DnD--the group from the year before us had pulled some seriously stupid antics, and we were trying to keep low key. After school, we all went to separate colleges. My efforts to keep in touch with them were feeble at best.
There aren't many women I've met who I've really wanted to try asking out. The person who contacted me is one of them. While we knew each other, she was dating another member of the ELFS--a fairly awesome dude himself--so I never tried anything. About a week ago she sends me an IM out of the blue--it's been four years since we've last talked to each other. I'm quite certain we never exchanged IM information, as I'm pretty sure if we had I would remember her screen name. I'm still trying to figure out how she got my screenname. It was good to hear from her, but the conversation stirred up some thoughts I'd forgotten ever having; it was kind of strange.
I dunno. It seems I just have bad luck with friends. It's always temporary, and it's never with many people. I get a bit claustrophobic when a lot of people get involved, so that last part is okay. It'd be nice to get something that lasts longer though.
The worst part for me really is that, other than the ELFS, there wasn't really anything that I can think of that I could have done differently to change the outcome. Stuff that's completely out of my hands has always frustrated me. If it goes badly because I fucked up, I can figure out some way to grow from it. A lesson is learned, even if the damage is irreversible. When it's just some outside factor that is beyond my control, it's just a loss. And that sucks.
Meh. I'm rambling at this point. Ah, how awkward it would be if any of the people alluded to here find their way to my blog. Heh. Anyway, this is just something that's been on my mind lately. Maybe putting this out in electronic print will help organize my thoughts. It's too late for me to have much organization right now, though. Mmm, publish post before I decide to delete all this.
For those guys... I guess I'm still friends with them, but we've all kind of realized the inevitability of an eventual complete separation, and the futility of trying to continue on. It's been building up for a while now--we're going in very different directions. They've been working for a long time now, getting rent for the house they share (which is actually pretty nice, but on the border of a really bad neighborhood). Three of the five are working their way through college slowly but surely, but two of them I doubt will finish. A two-year degree, maybe. Still, they won't be going any further than that. I don't plan to stop until there's a "Doctor" in front of my name. We've been getting busier lately, and we just can't meet up that often anymore. It's been about two months since we last met up, and usually we try to keep in contact via IM, but this time it's just not happening.
I guess what really set it off was one of them--for a very long time, the person I would call my best friend--failing out of college. This came out of left field for me. We became friends in second grade, primarily because we saw each other as academic and intellectual equals (though at the time, we wouldn't said it like that, of course). He wanted to play chess with someone, and no one else in class wanted to learn the rules. Eventually I gave it a try, and from there we became quick friends (and eventually almost equal chess players--I'd favor him at something like 60/40, but we were the only two in class who knew how to play, so that's how it went). Up until late Jr. High, he and I were the two competing for top of class (at that, I won more often than he, but again, I'd say about 60/40). Thing is, his mom divorced his step-dad at something like 8th grade, and I never really got the details from him, but I think that pretty much fucked him up. They then moved to another town far enough away that we didn't see much of each other anymore. Again, no details on my side, but from there it was a downward spiral.
He's going to be entering a police academy sometime soon; getting into law enforcement has always been something he's wanted to do. When we were in Jr. High, he was aiming for lawyer. Now he's going for beat cop--though he's said he hopes to get into some sort of investigator training program once he's built up a bit of a base. I wish him luck, but I don't think he'll be able to do it. He's not the most intimidating person, and I think the first time a big dude gets up in his face and tells him off, he's going to wish he'd reconsidered. I'm worried about it, but there's not much I can do. He's made up his mind. I hope it's not a mistake, but all the evidence indicates that it is. In the end, if it is, I just have to let him make that mistake.
I don't have any friends at college either. I had a group of three others I hung out with a lot last year. Two were dating each other, had been for years now, and I think they had plans to marry the moment they were done with college. The other was a complete genius but also a complete stoner. In the span of about two months, that group fell apart. First, the genius stoner had to drop out--as I understand it, his mom became ill and he needed to stay home to tend to her. He still dropped by though--at least, until someone high in the college administration insulted him. When he responded in spades, he got a restraining order keeping him off the college campus. Meanwhile, the dude involved in the two dating essentially fucks up, and they break up. He goes batshit for a period of about two weeks, and ends up getting himself expelled. I had kind of sided with him during the "choose sides" bit--he'd fucked up, and we both acknowledged it, but I'm the guy he came to for venting. Afterwards, the woman in the relationship and I kind of drifted apart because of that. So that's gone now. There are a few people I sort of hang around with, but I don't think any of us would really call each other "friends."
I guess what got me thinking about this was an unexpected encounter with someone I hung out with in high school. The first time I've really been included in a clique. We were the nerds who were proud of it, flaunted it, reveled in it. We even had an official school organization--E.L.F.S. I forget what the acronym stood for. Extracurricular L.A.R.P. and... something Society. No actual LARPs happened, but there was some DnD--the group from the year before us had pulled some seriously stupid antics, and we were trying to keep low key. After school, we all went to separate colleges. My efforts to keep in touch with them were feeble at best.
There aren't many women I've met who I've really wanted to try asking out. The person who contacted me is one of them. While we knew each other, she was dating another member of the ELFS--a fairly awesome dude himself--so I never tried anything. About a week ago she sends me an IM out of the blue--it's been four years since we've last talked to each other. I'm quite certain we never exchanged IM information, as I'm pretty sure if we had I would remember her screen name. I'm still trying to figure out how she got my screenname. It was good to hear from her, but the conversation stirred up some thoughts I'd forgotten ever having; it was kind of strange.
I dunno. It seems I just have bad luck with friends. It's always temporary, and it's never with many people. I get a bit claustrophobic when a lot of people get involved, so that last part is okay. It'd be nice to get something that lasts longer though.
The worst part for me really is that, other than the ELFS, there wasn't really anything that I can think of that I could have done differently to change the outcome. Stuff that's completely out of my hands has always frustrated me. If it goes badly because I fucked up, I can figure out some way to grow from it. A lesson is learned, even if the damage is irreversible. When it's just some outside factor that is beyond my control, it's just a loss. And that sucks.
Meh. I'm rambling at this point. Ah, how awkward it would be if any of the people alluded to here find their way to my blog. Heh. Anyway, this is just something that's been on my mind lately. Maybe putting this out in electronic print will help organize my thoughts. It's too late for me to have much organization right now, though. Mmm, publish post before I decide to delete all this.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
It is done.
So, tonight I completed version 1.0 of my senior project. I have done the most basic aspects of what I set out to do; I have programmed an A* search to reroute wires in this circuit similation program so that connections are maintained. Done. And with a week of July left to saver it. I am exceedingly pleased with myself.
Now, this isn't where it stops. I've got more to do to take this from a "Well I did it but it's not very impressive." project to "Shit, this is awesome! Show this to any employers and you're a shoe-in for any software development jobs you go for!" project. I've got not-quite a month to do that, and probably more besides for polishing between when it's actually due and when I'll be presenting and possibly demoing it.
First off, and most obviously, the current method generates diagonal wires. In a circuit diagram, wires are supposed to be vertical or horizontal. The first improvement I need to make is re-doing things so that instead of a single, diagonal wire, it generates a set of horizontal and vertical wires. I foresee this as being the most difficult of the next steps, since it requires re-doing the basic structure of the algorithm. Most of the code can be maintained, however; the only changes I foresee needing to make is changing things so that instead of tracking a single wire, the program uses a set of wires, and that instead of moving the end of a wire upwards when the wire is vertical, it generates a new horizontally oriented wire.
Secondly, I need to add in some sort of "collision detection." As-is, the program will add new wires right on top of other gates, and that's a big problem. This will probably be an easy thing to deal with. At this point, it goes from "Well I did it but it's not very impressive." to "Hey, this is pretty good work. Well done."
Next, I have to work on speeding this up. My code causes visible slowdown right now. I would say it's an acceptable amount, but I think I could reduce that by sorting wire sets based on how well they evaluate. Right now, to find the best one, I have to go through all the generated wires. If I sort, I can just take the best one at the top. Any slowdown reduction is a good thing, and it's a bit more to write about in the paper (which I will be starting on come the first of August) and a bit more to talk about in the presentation. Sounds like a job for Mergesort!
Lastly, I will work on adding in a factor to favor straight wires. Interestingly, I've found that the program already does that--it will go all the way in one direction before it start moving in another. However, that's simply because of the order in which different wires are generated (it favors wires generated later over earlier ones) rather than any conscious planning.
Still, this is a huge load off my shoulders. If I had to turn it in tomorrow, I'd be okay.
And thanks for hounding me about it Dani.
Now, this isn't where it stops. I've got more to do to take this from a "Well I did it but it's not very impressive." project to "Shit, this is awesome! Show this to any employers and you're a shoe-in for any software development jobs you go for!" project. I've got not-quite a month to do that, and probably more besides for polishing between when it's actually due and when I'll be presenting and possibly demoing it.
First off, and most obviously, the current method generates diagonal wires. In a circuit diagram, wires are supposed to be vertical or horizontal. The first improvement I need to make is re-doing things so that instead of a single, diagonal wire, it generates a set of horizontal and vertical wires. I foresee this as being the most difficult of the next steps, since it requires re-doing the basic structure of the algorithm. Most of the code can be maintained, however; the only changes I foresee needing to make is changing things so that instead of tracking a single wire, the program uses a set of wires, and that instead of moving the end of a wire upwards when the wire is vertical, it generates a new horizontally oriented wire.
Secondly, I need to add in some sort of "collision detection." As-is, the program will add new wires right on top of other gates, and that's a big problem. This will probably be an easy thing to deal with. At this point, it goes from "Well I did it but it's not very impressive." to "Hey, this is pretty good work. Well done."
Next, I have to work on speeding this up. My code causes visible slowdown right now. I would say it's an acceptable amount, but I think I could reduce that by sorting wire sets based on how well they evaluate. Right now, to find the best one, I have to go through all the generated wires. If I sort, I can just take the best one at the top. Any slowdown reduction is a good thing, and it's a bit more to write about in the paper (which I will be starting on come the first of August) and a bit more to talk about in the presentation. Sounds like a job for Mergesort!
Lastly, I will work on adding in a factor to favor straight wires. Interestingly, I've found that the program already does that--it will go all the way in one direction before it start moving in another. However, that's simply because of the order in which different wires are generated (it favors wires generated later over earlier ones) rather than any conscious planning.
Still, this is a huge load off my shoulders. If I had to turn it in tomorrow, I'd be okay.
And thanks for hounding me about it Dani.
Friday, June 27, 2008
Senior Project 2: 313(7|2|( |30064100
So, before I left the college campus, I pounded out some code that at the time I thought would basically complete my Senior Project and then left it for a while. Naturally, it doesn't work, and I have no idea why. I went through and added several things at once without testing to make sure each step needed to work before it proceeded to the next step actually worked. This is a terrible way to do things. It's such a mess that just starting over would be faster and easier than sorting through whatever the hell I shat out before I left campus.
For once, I'm going to plan this out. I'm going to do it here on my blog, primarily so I'll be able to get back to it easily across different computers. Also, in case some sort of master programmer reads my blog because s/he is really bored and wants to drop me a few pointers.
The basic goal of this project is to alter a circuit simulation program so that when a gate or object of any type is moved, any wires in any of the pins said gate or object is attached to are re-routed such that the connections are maintained. I intend to do this using an A* search, which I must now implement from scratch. It should flow something like this.
1: Identify the wire that is being re-routed; where does it START, and where should it now END?
2: Generate a wire that both begins and ends at START, from which all future wire possibilities (WIRESET) will be generated. This will be designated as BEST to begin with.
BEGIN loop 1
3: Check to see if the current BEST wire makes the connection from START to END.
4: Put best into USEDSET, which will record every wire that has already been checked in the past.
5a: If not, generate each wire that has an end location that is one unit (this program works with a grid) away from the current state in each direction. Up, Down, Left, Right.
5b: If yes, goto 9.
6: Check to make sure each wire generated in 4a is not already in USEDSET. If it is, discard it. Otherwise, add it to WIRESET.
7: Evaluate each wire currently in WIRESET using a heuristic (elaborated upon later, perhaps), and choose the wire that is closest to the END state. This step is a procedure unto itself and will require further elaboration later. In the beginning, a random number will be assigned to each wire so that the rest of the process can be debugged.
8: goto 3
END loop 1
9: Return current BEST
For debugging purposes, I will limit loop 1 to iterating a number of times that I as a human could actually manage myself--let's say five for now, maybe more maybe less when I actually try it--so that I can make sure that step 5 and 6 are working properly.
I foresee step 7 being where all the problems happen, and I may make another post like this one to help me think about how that one will flow.
I've about a month and a half to finish this. If I really sit down and go at it (and nothing explodes in a particularly terrible way), I can do it in a week. I also have to write a paper about it, though, and it needs to be a damned good paper. If I pound at that, I can do it in a day or two. So, my goal is to have the implementation part completely done by the end of July.
Any of my friends who actually read my blog: hound me about it. Seriously. I still feel no pressure to get this done, and I don't work well without pressure.
For once, I'm going to plan this out. I'm going to do it here on my blog, primarily so I'll be able to get back to it easily across different computers. Also, in case some sort of master programmer reads my blog because s/he is really bored and wants to drop me a few pointers.
The basic goal of this project is to alter a circuit simulation program so that when a gate or object of any type is moved, any wires in any of the pins said gate or object is attached to are re-routed such that the connections are maintained. I intend to do this using an A* search, which I must now implement from scratch. It should flow something like this.
1: Identify the wire that is being re-routed; where does it START, and where should it now END?
2: Generate a wire that both begins and ends at START, from which all future wire possibilities (WIRESET) will be generated. This will be designated as BEST to begin with.
BEGIN loop 1
3: Check to see if the current BEST wire makes the connection from START to END.
4: Put best into USEDSET, which will record every wire that has already been checked in the past.
5a: If not, generate each wire that has an end location that is one unit (this program works with a grid) away from the current state in each direction. Up, Down, Left, Right.
5b: If yes, goto 9.
6: Check to make sure each wire generated in 4a is not already in USEDSET. If it is, discard it. Otherwise, add it to WIRESET.
7: Evaluate each wire currently in WIRESET using a heuristic (elaborated upon later, perhaps), and choose the wire that is closest to the END state. This step is a procedure unto itself and will require further elaboration later. In the beginning, a random number will be assigned to each wire so that the rest of the process can be debugged.
8: goto 3
END loop 1
9: Return current BEST
For debugging purposes, I will limit loop 1 to iterating a number of times that I as a human could actually manage myself--let's say five for now, maybe more maybe less when I actually try it--so that I can make sure that step 5 and 6 are working properly.
I foresee step 7 being where all the problems happen, and I may make another post like this one to help me think about how that one will flow.
I've about a month and a half to finish this. If I really sit down and go at it (and nothing explodes in a particularly terrible way), I can do it in a week. I also have to write a paper about it, though, and it needs to be a damned good paper. If I pound at that, I can do it in a day or two. So, my goal is to have the implementation part completely done by the end of July.
Any of my friends who actually read my blog: hound me about it. Seriously. I still feel no pressure to get this done, and I don't work well without pressure.
Saturday, May 31, 2008
I think this means I'm jaded.
So. My parents and little brother are on vacation this weekend. Dad's coming home Sunday night, but Mom and my brother are going to stay up there for the rest of next week as well.
Well, okay. Perhaps calling it a "vacation" is a bit much. The place they're going is about one hour and forty-five minutes away from here. With gas prices soaring and inflation making things even worse, that's the best we can do. I understand there are a few concerts going on up there this week, and they plan to tour some museums or something. The plans described to me did not sound terribly appealing, so I opted to stay home and take care of the dog.
My Dad spends a lot of time yelling at what gets said on TV. One thing that he hates to hear is someone telling him to save or invest his money. He usually responds "That rich son-of-a-bitch doesn't know what he's talking about; we have no money to save!" or something similar. Now, for a long time, I just accepted this concept; our family was just barely breaking even. Between my college and the general cost of living, I found it easy to believe.
This vacation has me thinking about that though. Sure, it's a lot closer, and thus much cheaper than what one would normally expect a vacation to cost, but between paying for tickets, the room they're staying it, and all the gas they'll use getting from place to place, it's still going to be incredibly expensive. Why can't that money be saved? Another thing is that Dad is a handyman (honestly, not the bumbler usually seen on TV; he's genuinely skilled) and is often buying new tools to take back to his barn, where he makes some honestly cool stuff. That's great, but those tools aren't cheap. Why can't that money be saved?
Typically, he blames politicians and the rich. He definately sees the divide that one sees in this country as one of class. For a while, I mostly agreed with him; Washington--especially the current administration--has made many policies that seem to blatantly favor the rich at the expense of the middle class (another discussion all together, of course). But the more I think about it, the more I find myself thinking that perhaps with a bit more restraint on our family's consumption, we could actually get some money saved up. It's our own fault, at least as much as it is Washington's. Surely, there are points where one needs to enjoy life with one's money, but this vacation in particular seems unnecessary. We've been to that area of the state several times already. Those funds should be allocated elsewhere.
There are a lot of areas where I see similar things happening. People tend to find a scapegoat, and that's nothing new. It becomes a problem when placing the blame where it may not fully be due prevents one from acting and finding a solution.
So here, I need to stop and do some introspection. Am I falling for the same trap that I'm observing in others? This is a much harder question to answer; I like to think that I'm honest with myself, but true objectivity here is utterly impossible. Still, the question is an important one.
First, my problems. The most obvious and pressing one at the moment is my lack of employment. At this point, I'm convinced that there simply isn't a job out there for me. I've turned my resume in to several prospective employers, and I've gotten several replies of "we'd hire you if you weren't going back to college come the fall." Now, dropping out is an option, but it's an incredibly foolish one that I won't consider beyond acknowledging it. The economy is bad, I've no experience (something that could not be helped; I was in summer classes each year previous in order to keep my scholarship), and people with years in the workforce are out looking for a job just like me. I can't compete without a degree, even if my skills are good. Plus, I'm going back in the fall; who'd want to train me so I can work for a month or two and then leave?
I was discussing this situation with a friend of mine, and he pointed out that three other friends of mine--all in college--have already found summer jobs. This took me by surprize; if they can do it, why can't I?
There are several factors here. For one, I live in Bumblefuck, Arkansas (job opportunities: zero), while they live in Little Rock. Commuting to work simply isn't an option for me; I would be losing money on gas. They, however, can carpool to jobs much closer to home. They have many more options. Still, they'd let me move in with them if I could pay a share of rent, so that's not much of an excuse.
I found myself coming back to the fact that I was going to college, and uncertain how to get around that. When I mentioned this to the friend I was talking to, his response was simple and blunt. Lie your ass off. But wait, the primary reason I need this job is so I'll have something on my resume when I try for grad school. If I lie to them, I can't really put them on said resume. Why not? Because I'll have left them on bad terms, and I don't want future bosses calling to check on my work record and getting "He's a lying son-of-a-bitch." Like anyone actually checks that.
Now at this point, the original question has migrated to the back of my mind; perhaps I'll muse more on that later. This is newer, and has more dire implications. So, the way to succeed is to lie and count on the fact that no one actually checks on the things you say they should check? I can't do that. I've got some pride left, and I like to think I'm still an honorable man (dude, remember honor?). I'd say the apathy this mindset exploits, and the lack of honesty it encourages, is the primary reason things seem to suck right now. It seems like no one gives a shit anymore. This is a problem on so many levels I find myself unable to articulate it without starting an entire other post (and goddamn it's 4:30 in the morning; I don't have the energy for that). I want to be part of what changes this situation. Can I do that if I participate? I don't think so.
tl;dr: I'm discouraged and disillusioned and jaded right now. Shit sucks and I can't see a solution. QQ and so on. /wrist
Someone with some honor and honesty is at a disadvantage. Most people I've talked to say that getting a job comes down mainly to one thing; who you know. Apparently, I can't succeed--in fact, I can't even get started--on my own merits. Apparently, no one can.
At that point, why bother?
Well, okay. Perhaps calling it a "vacation" is a bit much. The place they're going is about one hour and forty-five minutes away from here. With gas prices soaring and inflation making things even worse, that's the best we can do. I understand there are a few concerts going on up there this week, and they plan to tour some museums or something. The plans described to me did not sound terribly appealing, so I opted to stay home and take care of the dog.
My Dad spends a lot of time yelling at what gets said on TV. One thing that he hates to hear is someone telling him to save or invest his money. He usually responds "That rich son-of-a-bitch doesn't know what he's talking about; we have no money to save!" or something similar. Now, for a long time, I just accepted this concept; our family was just barely breaking even. Between my college and the general cost of living, I found it easy to believe.
This vacation has me thinking about that though. Sure, it's a lot closer, and thus much cheaper than what one would normally expect a vacation to cost, but between paying for tickets, the room they're staying it, and all the gas they'll use getting from place to place, it's still going to be incredibly expensive. Why can't that money be saved? Another thing is that Dad is a handyman (honestly, not the bumbler usually seen on TV; he's genuinely skilled) and is often buying new tools to take back to his barn, where he makes some honestly cool stuff. That's great, but those tools aren't cheap. Why can't that money be saved?
Typically, he blames politicians and the rich. He definately sees the divide that one sees in this country as one of class. For a while, I mostly agreed with him; Washington--especially the current administration--has made many policies that seem to blatantly favor the rich at the expense of the middle class (another discussion all together, of course). But the more I think about it, the more I find myself thinking that perhaps with a bit more restraint on our family's consumption, we could actually get some money saved up. It's our own fault, at least as much as it is Washington's. Surely, there are points where one needs to enjoy life with one's money, but this vacation in particular seems unnecessary. We've been to that area of the state several times already. Those funds should be allocated elsewhere.
There are a lot of areas where I see similar things happening. People tend to find a scapegoat, and that's nothing new. It becomes a problem when placing the blame where it may not fully be due prevents one from acting and finding a solution.
So here, I need to stop and do some introspection. Am I falling for the same trap that I'm observing in others? This is a much harder question to answer; I like to think that I'm honest with myself, but true objectivity here is utterly impossible. Still, the question is an important one.
First, my problems. The most obvious and pressing one at the moment is my lack of employment. At this point, I'm convinced that there simply isn't a job out there for me. I've turned my resume in to several prospective employers, and I've gotten several replies of "we'd hire you if you weren't going back to college come the fall." Now, dropping out is an option, but it's an incredibly foolish one that I won't consider beyond acknowledging it. The economy is bad, I've no experience (something that could not be helped; I was in summer classes each year previous in order to keep my scholarship), and people with years in the workforce are out looking for a job just like me. I can't compete without a degree, even if my skills are good. Plus, I'm going back in the fall; who'd want to train me so I can work for a month or two and then leave?
I was discussing this situation with a friend of mine, and he pointed out that three other friends of mine--all in college--have already found summer jobs. This took me by surprize; if they can do it, why can't I?
There are several factors here. For one, I live in Bumblefuck, Arkansas (job opportunities: zero), while they live in Little Rock. Commuting to work simply isn't an option for me; I would be losing money on gas. They, however, can carpool to jobs much closer to home. They have many more options. Still, they'd let me move in with them if I could pay a share of rent, so that's not much of an excuse.
I found myself coming back to the fact that I was going to college, and uncertain how to get around that. When I mentioned this to the friend I was talking to, his response was simple and blunt. Lie your ass off. But wait, the primary reason I need this job is so I'll have something on my resume when I try for grad school. If I lie to them, I can't really put them on said resume. Why not? Because I'll have left them on bad terms, and I don't want future bosses calling to check on my work record and getting "He's a lying son-of-a-bitch." Like anyone actually checks that.
Now at this point, the original question has migrated to the back of my mind; perhaps I'll muse more on that later. This is newer, and has more dire implications. So, the way to succeed is to lie and count on the fact that no one actually checks on the things you say they should check? I can't do that. I've got some pride left, and I like to think I'm still an honorable man (dude, remember honor?). I'd say the apathy this mindset exploits, and the lack of honesty it encourages, is the primary reason things seem to suck right now. It seems like no one gives a shit anymore. This is a problem on so many levels I find myself unable to articulate it without starting an entire other post (and goddamn it's 4:30 in the morning; I don't have the energy for that). I want to be part of what changes this situation. Can I do that if I participate? I don't think so.
tl;dr: I'm discouraged and disillusioned and jaded right now. Shit sucks and I can't see a solution. QQ and so on. /wrist
Someone with some honor and honesty is at a disadvantage. Most people I've talked to say that getting a job comes down mainly to one thing; who you know. Apparently, I can't succeed--in fact, I can't even get started--on my own merits. Apparently, no one can.
At that point, why bother?
Friday, May 2, 2008
I suck at working
I really should be getting some stuff done on my Algorithms final right now. But I'm not.
I work well under pressure. I think I work at my best under pressure. In high school, that pressure was always there, and so I was a much better worker than I am now. Since I was at a Math and Science school, the ever-looming pressure of being kicked out kept me on my toes (If you had an F and/or two D's two nine-week periods in a row, they kicked you out). Seeing as I hated my home-school and wouldn't have been able to live with myself it I'd had to go back, there was a lot of pressure there, and for the most part I thrived (Biomedical Physics aside--the hell was I thinking taking that class?)
There's just something that excites me, motivates me when I know there's something major at stake. I have no doubt that I will get this work done, and I have little doubt that I'll do quite well on it, but until then I sit here, procrastinating, knowing that I shouldn't be, but lacking the motivation to get off my ass and do something about it. My tendancy to procrastinate is certainly not my greatest flaw as a person, but it's unquestionably my greatest flaw as a student.
I think part of why I enjoy gaming so much is that I can really get into the world that the game takes place in, and its fate becomes an important motivator for me. The need to save that world (or destroy it, as the case far-too-rarely is) provides the same pressure as a big assignment being due the next day, and I enjoy the adrenaline that provides. I've tried more than once to put my work into a game-like context in an attempt to shrug off the procrastination habit (if you don't finish that problem set by tomorrow, the great lich [insert bullshit name here] will return, even though the assignment is actually due in three days!), but I can never quite convince myself for reasons that should be obvious, given my example.
I'm not even sure if it's a major problem for me. As I said before, I almost always get my work done on time, and I always do fairly well on said work. If my grades are still good (and they are--I expect three A's and one B this semester, and that B is there because the art professor is full of shit) should I even be concerned about it? I think that question, looming there, unanswered, is another thing that keeps me from breaking the habit. The fact that I actually didn't procrastinate during the few bad grades I've gotten doesn't help. I worked my ass off in both Zoology and Botany, beginning my studies for exams a week or more in advance, studying my goddamned flash cards every night, and I still made a C in Botany and failed Zoology. Studying in advance didn't help in the least then, so why should I expect it to now? I think this kind of thought is what stops me, and I don't know how to get rid of it. After all, the evidence is there, and I can't just ignore it.
I came up here figuring I'd post this and then get to work, but I know I won't at this point. I think I'mma go look for a ROM of Zelda: A Link to the Past and replay it--it's been years since my last run through that one, and I'm sure I've forgotten a lot. Maybe I'll get something up on the character sheets for one of the two DnD games I hope to join over the summer (thus far). Perhaps I'll do some more writing on DDSd20, or start constructing the dungeon for the DnD game I'mma run over at the guys' place this summer. Whatever it is, it certainly won't be work. And honestly, I think I'm okay with that.
I work well under pressure. I think I work at my best under pressure. In high school, that pressure was always there, and so I was a much better worker than I am now. Since I was at a Math and Science school, the ever-looming pressure of being kicked out kept me on my toes (If you had an F and/or two D's two nine-week periods in a row, they kicked you out). Seeing as I hated my home-school and wouldn't have been able to live with myself it I'd had to go back, there was a lot of pressure there, and for the most part I thrived (Biomedical Physics aside--the hell was I thinking taking that class?)
There's just something that excites me, motivates me when I know there's something major at stake. I have no doubt that I will get this work done, and I have little doubt that I'll do quite well on it, but until then I sit here, procrastinating, knowing that I shouldn't be, but lacking the motivation to get off my ass and do something about it. My tendancy to procrastinate is certainly not my greatest flaw as a person, but it's unquestionably my greatest flaw as a student.
I think part of why I enjoy gaming so much is that I can really get into the world that the game takes place in, and its fate becomes an important motivator for me. The need to save that world (or destroy it, as the case far-too-rarely is) provides the same pressure as a big assignment being due the next day, and I enjoy the adrenaline that provides. I've tried more than once to put my work into a game-like context in an attempt to shrug off the procrastination habit (if you don't finish that problem set by tomorrow, the great lich [insert bullshit name here] will return, even though the assignment is actually due in three days!), but I can never quite convince myself for reasons that should be obvious, given my example.
I'm not even sure if it's a major problem for me. As I said before, I almost always get my work done on time, and I always do fairly well on said work. If my grades are still good (and they are--I expect three A's and one B this semester, and that B is there because the art professor is full of shit) should I even be concerned about it? I think that question, looming there, unanswered, is another thing that keeps me from breaking the habit. The fact that I actually didn't procrastinate during the few bad grades I've gotten doesn't help. I worked my ass off in both Zoology and Botany, beginning my studies for exams a week or more in advance, studying my goddamned flash cards every night, and I still made a C in Botany and failed Zoology. Studying in advance didn't help in the least then, so why should I expect it to now? I think this kind of thought is what stops me, and I don't know how to get rid of it. After all, the evidence is there, and I can't just ignore it.
I came up here figuring I'd post this and then get to work, but I know I won't at this point. I think I'mma go look for a ROM of Zelda: A Link to the Past and replay it--it's been years since my last run through that one, and I'm sure I've forgotten a lot. Maybe I'll get something up on the character sheets for one of the two DnD games I hope to join over the summer (thus far). Perhaps I'll do some more writing on DDSd20, or start constructing the dungeon for the DnD game I'mma run over at the guys' place this summer. Whatever it is, it certainly won't be work. And honestly, I think I'm okay with that.
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