It's worst when it's not really your fault; or, Dox is bummed out again

I don't really have any friends on campus. I have a group of friends that I've hung out with since grade school (plus a new guy they're living with) who all live together, most of them trying to get through college, but I haven't talked to them lately.

For those guys... I guess I'm still friends with them, but we've all kind of realized the inevitability of an eventual complete separation, and the futility of trying to continue on. It's been building up for a while now--we're going in very different directions. They've been working for a long time now, getting rent for the house they share (which is actually pretty nice, but on the border of a really bad neighborhood). Three of the five are working their way through college slowly but surely, but two of them I doubt will finish. A two-year degree, maybe. Still, they won't be going any further than that. I don't plan to stop until there's a "Doctor" in front of my name. We've been getting busier lately, and we just can't meet up that often anymore. It's been about two months since we last met up, and usually we try to keep in contact via IM, but this time it's just not happening.

I guess what really set it off was one of them--for a very long time, the person I would call my best friend--failing out of college. This came out of left field for me. We became friends in second grade, primarily because we saw each other as academic and intellectual equals (though at the time, we wouldn't said it like that, of course). He wanted to play chess with someone, and no one else in class wanted to learn the rules. Eventually I gave it a try, and from there we became quick friends (and eventually almost equal chess players--I'd favor him at something like 60/40, but we were the only two in class who knew how to play, so that's how it went). Up until late Jr. High, he and I were the two competing for top of class (at that, I won more often than he, but again, I'd say about 60/40). Thing is, his mom divorced his step-dad at something like 8th grade, and I never really got the details from him, but I think that pretty much fucked him up. They then moved to another town far enough away that we didn't see much of each other anymore. Again, no details on my side, but from there it was a downward spiral.

He's going to be entering a police academy sometime soon; getting into law enforcement has always been something he's wanted to do. When we were in Jr. High, he was aiming for lawyer. Now he's going for beat cop--though he's said he hopes to get into some sort of investigator training program once he's built up a bit of a base. I wish him luck, but I don't think he'll be able to do it. He's not the most intimidating person, and I think the first time a big dude gets up in his face and tells him off, he's going to wish he'd reconsidered. I'm worried about it, but there's not much I can do. He's made up his mind. I hope it's not a mistake, but all the evidence indicates that it is. In the end, if it is, I just have to let him make that mistake.


I don't have any friends at college either. I had a group of three others I hung out with a lot last year. Two were dating each other, had been for years now, and I think they had plans to marry the moment they were done with college. The other was a complete genius but also a complete stoner. In the span of about two months, that group fell apart. First, the genius stoner had to drop out--as I understand it, his mom became ill and he needed to stay home to tend to her. He still dropped by though--at least, until someone high in the college administration insulted him. When he responded in spades, he got a restraining order keeping him off the college campus. Meanwhile, the dude involved in the two dating essentially fucks up, and they break up. He goes batshit for a period of about two weeks, and ends up getting himself expelled. I had kind of sided with him during the "choose sides" bit--he'd fucked up, and we both acknowledged it, but I'm the guy he came to for venting. Afterwards, the woman in the relationship and I kind of drifted apart because of that. So that's gone now. There are a few people I sort of hang around with, but I don't think any of us would really call each other "friends."

I guess what got me thinking about this was an unexpected encounter with someone I hung out with in high school. The first time I've really been included in a clique. We were the nerds who were proud of it, flaunted it, reveled in it. We even had an official school organization--E.L.F.S. I forget what the acronym stood for. Extracurricular L.A.R.P. and... something Society. No actual LARPs happened, but there was some DnD--the group from the year before us had pulled some seriously stupid antics, and we were trying to keep low key. After school, we all went to separate colleges. My efforts to keep in touch with them were feeble at best.

There aren't many women I've met who I've really wanted to try asking out. The person who contacted me is one of them. While we knew each other, she was dating another member of the ELFS--a fairly awesome dude himself--so I never tried anything. About a week ago she sends me an IM out of the blue--it's been four years since we've last talked to each other. I'm quite certain we never exchanged IM information, as I'm pretty sure if we had I would remember her screen name. I'm still trying to figure out how she got my screenname. It was good to hear from her, but the conversation stirred up some thoughts I'd forgotten ever having; it was kind of strange.

I dunno. It seems I just have bad luck with friends. It's always temporary, and it's never with many people. I get a bit claustrophobic when a lot of people get involved, so that last part is okay. It'd be nice to get something that lasts longer though.

The worst part for me really is that, other than the ELFS, there wasn't really anything that I can think of that I could have done differently to change the outcome. Stuff that's completely out of my hands has always frustrated me. If it goes badly because I fucked up, I can figure out some way to grow from it. A lesson is learned, even if the damage is irreversible. When it's just some outside factor that is beyond my control, it's just a loss. And that sucks.

Meh. I'm rambling at this point. Ah, how awkward it would be if any of the people alluded to here find their way to my blog. Heh. Anyway, this is just something that's been on my mind lately. Maybe putting this out in electronic print will help organize my thoughts. It's too late for me to have much organization right now, though. Mmm, publish post before I decide to delete all this.