I think this means I'm jaded.

So. My parents and little brother are on vacation this weekend. Dad's coming home Sunday night, but Mom and my brother are going to stay up there for the rest of next week as well.

Well, okay. Perhaps calling it a "vacation" is a bit much. The place they're going is about one hour and forty-five minutes away from here. With gas prices soaring and inflation making things even worse, that's the best we can do. I understand there are a few concerts going on up there this week, and they plan to tour some museums or something. The plans described to me did not sound terribly appealing, so I opted to stay home and take care of the dog.

My Dad spends a lot of time yelling at what gets said on TV. One thing that he hates to hear is someone telling him to save or invest his money. He usually responds "That rich son-of-a-bitch doesn't know what he's talking about; we have no money to save!" or something similar. Now, for a long time, I just accepted this concept; our family was just barely breaking even. Between my college and the general cost of living, I found it easy to believe.

This vacation has me thinking about that though. Sure, it's a lot closer, and thus much cheaper than what one would normally expect a vacation to cost, but between paying for tickets, the room they're staying it, and all the gas they'll use getting from place to place, it's still going to be incredibly expensive. Why can't that money be saved? Another thing is that Dad is a handyman (honestly, not the bumbler usually seen on TV; he's genuinely skilled) and is often buying new tools to take back to his barn, where he makes some honestly cool stuff. That's great, but those tools aren't cheap. Why can't that money be saved?

Typically, he blames politicians and the rich. He definately sees the divide that one sees in this country as one of class. For a while, I mostly agreed with him; Washington--especially the current administration--has made many policies that seem to blatantly favor the rich at the expense of the middle class (another discussion all together, of course). But the more I think about it, the more I find myself thinking that perhaps with a bit more restraint on our family's consumption, we could actually get some money saved up. It's our own fault, at least as much as it is Washington's. Surely, there are points where one needs to enjoy life with one's money, but this vacation in particular seems unnecessary. We've been to that area of the state several times already. Those funds should be allocated elsewhere.

There are a lot of areas where I see similar things happening. People tend to find a scapegoat, and that's nothing new. It becomes a problem when placing the blame where it may not fully be due prevents one from acting and finding a solution.

So here, I need to stop and do some introspection. Am I falling for the same trap that I'm observing in others? This is a much harder question to answer; I like to think that I'm honest with myself, but true objectivity here is utterly impossible. Still, the question is an important one.

First, my problems. The most obvious and pressing one at the moment is my lack of employment. At this point, I'm convinced that there simply isn't a job out there for me. I've turned my resume in to several prospective employers, and I've gotten several replies of "we'd hire you if you weren't going back to college come the fall." Now, dropping out is an option, but it's an incredibly foolish one that I won't consider beyond acknowledging it. The economy is bad, I've no experience (something that could not be helped; I was in summer classes each year previous in order to keep my scholarship), and people with years in the workforce are out looking for a job just like me. I can't compete without a degree, even if my skills are good. Plus, I'm going back in the fall; who'd want to train me so I can work for a month or two and then leave?

I was discussing this situation with a friend of mine, and he pointed out that three other friends of mine--all in college--have already found summer jobs. This took me by surprize; if they can do it, why can't I?

There are several factors here. For one, I live in Bumblefuck, Arkansas (job opportunities: zero), while they live in Little Rock. Commuting to work simply isn't an option for me; I would be losing money on gas. They, however, can carpool to jobs much closer to home. They have many more options. Still, they'd let me move in with them if I could pay a share of rent, so that's not much of an excuse.

I found myself coming back to the fact that I was going to college, and uncertain how to get around that. When I mentioned this to the friend I was talking to, his response was simple and blunt. Lie your ass off. But wait, the primary reason I need this job is so I'll have something on my resume when I try for grad school. If I lie to them, I can't really put them on said resume. Why not? Because I'll have left them on bad terms, and I don't want future bosses calling to check on my work record and getting "He's a lying son-of-a-bitch." Like anyone actually checks that.

Now at this point, the original question has migrated to the back of my mind; perhaps I'll muse more on that later. This is newer, and has more dire implications. So, the way to succeed is to lie and count on the fact that no one actually checks on the things you say they should check? I can't do that. I've got some pride left, and I like to think I'm still an honorable man (dude, remember honor?). I'd say the apathy this mindset exploits, and the lack of honesty it encourages, is the primary reason things seem to suck right now. It seems like no one gives a shit anymore. This is a problem on so many levels I find myself unable to articulate it without starting an entire other post (and goddamn it's 4:30 in the morning; I don't have the energy for that). I want to be part of what changes this situation. Can I do that if I participate? I don't think so.


tl;dr: I'm discouraged and disillusioned and jaded right now. Shit sucks and I can't see a solution. QQ and so on. /wrist

Someone with some honor and honesty is at a disadvantage. Most people I've talked to say that getting a job comes down mainly to one thing; who you know. Apparently, I can't succeed--in fact, I can't even get started--on my own merits. Apparently, no one can.

At that point, why bother?

I suck at working

I really should be getting some stuff done on my Algorithms final right now. But I'm not.

I work well under pressure. I think I work at my best under pressure. In high school, that pressure was always there, and so I was a much better worker than I am now. Since I was at a Math and Science school, the ever-looming pressure of being kicked out kept me on my toes (If you had an F and/or two D's two nine-week periods in a row, they kicked you out). Seeing as I hated my home-school and wouldn't have been able to live with myself it I'd had to go back, there was a lot of pressure there, and for the most part I thrived (Biomedical Physics aside--the hell was I thinking taking that class?)

There's just something that excites me, motivates me when I know there's something major at stake. I have no doubt that I will get this work done, and I have little doubt that I'll do quite well on it, but until then I sit here, procrastinating, knowing that I shouldn't be, but lacking the motivation to get off my ass and do something about it. My tendancy to procrastinate is certainly not my greatest flaw as a person, but it's unquestionably my greatest flaw as a student.

I think part of why I enjoy gaming so much is that I can really get into the world that the game takes place in, and its fate becomes an important motivator for me. The need to save that world (or destroy it, as the case far-too-rarely is) provides the same pressure as a big assignment being due the next day, and I enjoy the adrenaline that provides. I've tried more than once to put my work into a game-like context in an attempt to shrug off the procrastination habit (if you don't finish that problem set by tomorrow, the great lich [insert bullshit name here] will return, even though the assignment is actually due in three days!), but I can never quite convince myself for reasons that should be obvious, given my example.

I'm not even sure if it's a major problem for me. As I said before, I almost always get my work done on time, and I always do fairly well on said work. If my grades are still good (and they are--I expect three A's and one B this semester, and that B is there because the art professor is full of shit) should I even be concerned about it? I think that question, looming there, unanswered, is another thing that keeps me from breaking the habit. The fact that I actually didn't procrastinate during the few bad grades I've gotten doesn't help. I worked my ass off in both Zoology and Botany, beginning my studies for exams a week or more in advance, studying my goddamned flash cards every night, and I still made a C in Botany and failed Zoology. Studying in advance didn't help in the least then, so why should I expect it to now? I think this kind of thought is what stops me, and I don't know how to get rid of it. After all, the evidence is there, and I can't just ignore it.

I came up here figuring I'd post this and then get to work, but I know I won't at this point. I think I'mma go look for a ROM of Zelda: A Link to the Past and replay it--it's been years since my last run through that one, and I'm sure I've forgotten a lot. Maybe I'll get something up on the character sheets for one of the two DnD games I hope to join over the summer (thus far). Perhaps I'll do some more writing on DDSd20, or start constructing the dungeon for the DnD game I'mma run over at the guys' place this summer. Whatever it is, it certainly won't be work. And honestly, I think I'm okay with that.