Divided by Zero

Dox is bummed again.

2008-10-14T20:25:00.001-07:00

I've reached a point in life where paths are being closed off to me. The point of no return, if you will.

I know what I want. Or at least, what I think I want. I want to live the life of the mind, pushing the boundaries in my field--computer science for those interested, though it doesn't really matter for this bit of complaining--forward in new and interesting ways. I feel most alive when I'm gaming--tabletop and otherwise--or when I'm solving an interesting problem. Seeing as I'm unlikely to be able to make a living doing the former, all of my serious efforts have been invested into the latter. My ultimate goal is a Ph.D, focused in artificial intelligence and/or robotics.

Today was senior project presentations. We started on ours last year--this was essentially the climax of six months of work. And naturally, everything that could have possibly gone wrong with my presentation did. I prepared for it as well as I know how, but somehow I managed to send myself the wrong version of both my power-point AND my program, so errors I had corrected and bugs I had eliminated were still present during the presentation. Topping things off, the one bug that I was legitimately unable to remove in time was jumped on by the professor who's actually taught me AI and robotics--whose support is absolutely critical to getting me into a suitable graduate school. My explanation left him visibly and deeply unimpressed, as well as the rest of the room. The aura of pity from the other students in the room was almost tangible. Naturally, about ten minutes into the next presentation, I thought of what I should have said. Too little, too late.

I fear a lot of paths that I actually wanted to investigate were closed to me today. My grades are good, but without strong letters of recommendation from this professor, getting to do what I want to do is at best unlikely. My performance in past classes of his has been good, but the sloppy blunders I committed today will likely be the primary thing on his mind as I ask him to write a recommendation letter. The other professors too.

I find myself wondering what I could live with. I know I wouldn't be able to manage standard labor-force work--everyone in my family end has ended up there so far, and from what I've seen of them, it makes them all miserable. I don't think I'm strong enough to handle that. Would I be able to handle the type of work that a simple bachelor's degree would net me? I've never been good at working on someone else's terms on problems that don't necessarily interest me. I can't see myself being happy like that.

Plus, this is horrible area and a horrible economic state to graduate into. My odds of finding a job right now are lower than they've been in years. My family's gone into massive debt to get me through college, and they're about to have to do it again to get my brother through as well--and it looks like he won't have the same scholarships chances as I. I need to get my act together, because my family needs another source of income--or at least for me to stop being completely dependent on them. As it's shaping up right now, I won't even be able to do that much.

I'm depressed and I feel like an utter failure right now. Most of my peers have jobs arranged already--many of them are already working them, even. They're moving onwards, and have a lot to look forward to, and I feel as though I've already been left behind.

I'm pissed off because every single one of them got those jobs through connections established by relatives or acquaintances who're already involved wherever they're working. They didn't have to find these jobs and opportunities; they came to them. I see no opportunities for me here simply because I'm part of the first generation in my family to go beyond high school. That others can get everything handed to them while I can't find anything at all is determined not by merit, but by who we know--the injustice of it makes my blood boil.

I find myself asking which is worse. Realizing that you're not as good as you thought? Or that the world isn't as good as you thought?

Obligations suck sometimes.

2008-10-04T01:40:00.000-07:00

Or maybe all the time. I'm not sure.

So, I've put Talmirah on hold. I didn't expect it to be quite as difficult as it was. I mean, life's been a prolonged mental breakdown for the past week or two, but it really hit as I put up that post. I was able to keep it together long enough to finish informing the DMs of the various games I'd been participating in that I'd either be sparse at best, or dropping all together. But man, once that was done and I made it back into my room, that was it for that day.

I'm still not sure what to do about this situation. My classes this semester are as follows:

Astronomy--so far, barely more than fifth grade science. I could sleep through it and still ace it--which is what I'm doing right now. I'll glance over the notes for the next exam, spend maybe an hour preparing for it, and I guarantee you I'll ace it.

Statistics--a 200 level class. I spent less than an hour preparing for the last exam and made a solid B. I also get the impression that the professor really likes me. I intend to spend a little longer working on the next exam to get it up to an A, but I'm pretty sure my grade in there will be where I want it without excessive effort. Gotta keep up with it, but I'll be fine there.

Scientific Computing--it's 300 level, but it's taught by a very lenient, easy-going professor. He's more into projects than exams, and on my first paper I got a 99--the one point I lost was because I put a - where there was supposed to be a +, which was honestly a pretty huge mistake. The projects are time-consuming, but typically fairly interesting, so I'll do well in there.

And the last: Internet Programming. This is where almost all the roots of my troubles are right now. I'mma spend more than a paragraph on this one, because the situation's actually quite complicated.

Firstly, the lecture portion. It's actually quite interesting. We deal with a lot of stuff related to how the Internet actually works at an optimal level--it's really amazing how much thought went into getting the protocols together in such a way that things actually end up working properly. I enjoy this part.

Unfortunately, it's by far the least important part of the class. The quizzes and exams aren't over what we talk about in class at all. At most half of the things that came up on the midterm were talked about in any kind of depth in class. One of the questions--worth 15 points on a 100 point exam--was mentioned over two paragraphs in our 60+ page chapter. In class, when it came up, it was waved off as the problem of engineers and physicists rather than computer scientists. And here it is, worth a letter grade and a half, and I didn't study it all because he indicated other things--which didn't appear at all--would be more important. I call bullshit.

I like the way another friend of mine put it. The infamous exams of one of our other professors are well known for being absurdly difficult. But I would never call bullshit on one of those exams like I do on this one for one simple reason: there is NEVER anything on there that I don't expect. Meanwhile, with this new guy, the only study guidance we get might as well be something like memorize then entire 60 page chapter. Several other students feel this way, but there were two students who actually made A's on the exam, so he seems to think that the problem is with the other 80% of the class.

Just drop the class? Ah, if only it were that simple. Unfortunately, my scholarship requires that I have so many hours a semester, and as I understand things, if I fail to meet the requirements at the end of the year, they can request that money back. If that were to happen, either I would have to go so deep into dept to pay it off that I would be working for at least five years to get it all back--ruining my chances of graduate school--or my family would have to shoulder the burden, and there wouldn't be enough money left to send my little brother to college. I might be able to take a fifth class to make up for it next semester, but my schedule there already looks hellish and adding another might be too much.

Not all is lost, though. 40% of my Internet Programming grade is determined by projects--and I'm confident I've aced the first one. 40% isn't enough, and due to the overall poor performance on the first exam, the professor's said he might consider lowering the weight on it. Basically, it all comes down to the next exam. Not long after the second midterm is the deadline to drop without it affecting my GPA, and if I'm not going to be able to come out of there with at least a C, I'll lose my scholarship either way.

The whole situation pisses me off. My grades are mostly A's and B's, and most of those didn't require full effort from me. Yet here I am, busting my ass for a single class because a professor doesn't know how to make a reasonable exam. It makes my blood boil.

The end result is that I can't enjoy the things I've grown used to. I never realized how much time Talmirah took from me. I enjoyed all of it though, and I really miss it already. Still, I know I can't pick it back up for now. I'm still going to get back to it eventually, but right now it looks like--at the soonest--it'll be November before I have the time to get things started again. Senior Projects wrap up in two weeks or so, and I need to be working on graduate school applications this month.

*Sigh* And so, back to the grind for now.

It's worst when it's not really your fault; or, Dox is bummed out again

2008-09-12T22:41:00.000-07:00

I don't really have any friends on campus. I have a group of friends that I've hung out with since grade school (plus a new guy they're living with) who all live together, most of them trying to get through college, but I haven't talked to them lately.

For those guys... I guess I'm still friends with them, but we've all kind of realized the inevitability of an eventual complete separation, and the futility of trying to continue on. It's been building up for a while now--we're going in very different directions. They've been working for a long time now, getting rent for the house they share (which is actually pretty nice, but on the border of a really bad neighborhood). Three of the five are working their way through college slowly but surely, but two of them I doubt will finish. A two-year degree, maybe. Still, they won't be going any further than that. I don't plan to stop until there's a "Doctor" in front of my name. We've been getting busier lately, and we just can't meet up that often anymore. It's been about two months since we last met up, and usually we try to keep in contact via IM, but this time it's just not happening.

I guess what really set it off was one of them--for a very long time, the person I would call my best friend--failing out of college. This came out of left field for me. We became friends in second grade, primarily because we saw each other as academic and intellectual equals (though at the time, we wouldn't said it like that, of course). He wanted to play chess with someone, and no one else in class wanted to learn the rules. Eventually I gave it a try, and from there we became quick friends (and eventually almost equal chess players--I'd favor him at something like 60/40, but we were the only two in class who knew how to play, so that's how it went). Up until late Jr. High, he and I were the two competing for top of class (at that, I won more often than he, but again, I'd say about 60/40). Thing is, his mom divorced his step-dad at something like 8th grade, and I never really got the details from him, but I think that pretty much fucked him up. They then moved to another town far enough away that we didn't see much of each other anymore. Again, no details on my side, but from there it was a downward spiral.

He's going to be entering a police academy sometime soon; getting into law enforcement has always been something he's wanted to do. When we were in Jr. High, he was aiming for lawyer. Now he's going for beat cop--though he's said he hopes to get into some sort of investigator training program once he's built up a bit of a base. I wish him luck, but I don't think he'll be able to do it. He's not the most intimidating person, and I think the first time a big dude gets up in his face and tells him off, he's going to wish he'd reconsidered. I'm worried about it, but there's not much I can do. He's made up his mind. I hope it's not a mistake, but all the evidence indicates that it is. In the end, if it is, I just have to let him make that mistake.

I don't have any friends at college either. I had a group of three others I hung out with a lot last year. Two were dating each other, had been for years now, and I think they had plans to marry the moment they were done with college. The other was a complete genius but also a complete stoner. In the span of about two months, that group fell apart. First, the genius stoner had to drop out--as I understand it, his mom became ill and he needed to stay home to tend to her. He still dropped by though--at least, until someone high in the college administration insulted him. When he responded in spades, he got a restraining order keeping him off the college campus. Meanwhile, the dude involved in the two dating essentially fucks up, and they break up. He goes batshit for a period of about two weeks, and ends up getting himself expelled. I had kind of sided with him during the "choose sides" bit--he'd fucked up, and we both acknowledged it, but I'm the guy he came to for venting. Afterwards, the woman in the relationship and I kind of drifted apart because of that. So that's gone now. There are a few people I sort of hang around with, but I don't think any of us would really call each other "friends."

I guess what got me thinking about this was an unexpected encounter with someone I hung out with in high school. The first time I've really been included in a clique. We were the nerds who were proud of it, flaunted it, reveled in it. We even had an official school organization--E.L.F.S. I forget what the acronym stood for. Extracurricular L.A.R.P. and... something Society. No actual LARPs happened, but there was some DnD--the group from the year before us had pulled some seriously stupid antics, and we were trying to keep low key. After school, we all went to separate colleges. My efforts to keep in touch with them were feeble at best.

There aren't many women I've met who I've really wanted to try asking out. The person who contacted me is one of them. While we knew each other, she was dating another member of the ELFS--a fairly awesome dude himself--so I never tried anything. About a week ago she sends me an IM out of the blue--it's been four years since we've last talked to each other. I'm quite certain we never exchanged IM information, as I'm pretty sure if we had I would remember her screen name. I'm still trying to figure out how she got my screenname. It was good to hear from her, but the conversation stirred up some thoughts I'd forgotten ever having; it was kind of strange.

I dunno. It seems I just have bad luck with friends. It's always temporary, and it's never with many people. I get a bit claustrophobic when a lot of people get involved, so that last part is okay. It'd be nice to get something that lasts longer though.

The worst part for me really is that, other than the ELFS, there wasn't really anything that I can think of that I could have done differently to change the outcome. Stuff that's completely out of my hands has always frustrated me. If it goes badly because I fucked up, I can figure out some way to grow from it. A lesson is learned, even if the damage is irreversible. When it's just some outside factor that is beyond my control, it's just a loss. And that sucks.

Meh. I'm rambling at this point. Ah, how awkward it would be if any of the people alluded to here find their way to my blog. Heh. Anyway, this is just something that's been on my mind lately. Maybe putting this out in electronic print will help organize my thoughts. It's too late for me to have much organization right now, though. Mmm, publish post before I decide to delete all this.

It is done.

2008-07-22T18:27:00.001-07:00

So, tonight I completed version 1.0 of my senior project. I have done the most basic aspects of what I set out to do; I have programmed an A* search to reroute wires in this circuit similation program so that connections are maintained. Done. And with a week of July left to saver it. I am exceedingly pleased with myself.

Now, this isn't where it stops. I've got more to do to take this from a "Well I did it but it's not very impressive." project to "Shit, this is awesome! Show this to any employers and you're a shoe-in for any software development jobs you go for!" project. I've got not-quite a month to do that, and probably more besides for polishing between when it's actually due and when I'll be presenting and possibly demoing it.

First off, and most obviously, the current method generates diagonal wires. In a circuit diagram, wires are supposed to be vertical or horizontal. The first improvement I need to make is re-doing things so that instead of a single, diagonal wire, it generates a set of horizontal and vertical wires. I foresee this as being the most difficult of the next steps, since it requires re-doing the basic structure of the algorithm. Most of the code can be maintained, however; the only changes I foresee needing to make is changing things so that instead of tracking a single wire, the program uses a set of wires, and that instead of moving the end of a wire upwards when the wire is vertical, it generates a new horizontally oriented wire.

Secondly, I need to add in some sort of "collision detection." As-is, the program will add new wires right on top of other gates, and that's a big problem. This will probably be an easy thing to deal with. At this point, it goes from "Well I did it but it's not very impressive." to "Hey, this is pretty good work. Well done."

Next, I have to work on speeding this up. My code causes visible slowdown right now. I would say it's an acceptable amount, but I think I could reduce that by sorting wire sets based on how well they evaluate. Right now, to find the best one, I have to go through all the generated wires. If I sort, I can just take the best one at the top. Any slowdown reduction is a good thing, and it's a bit more to write about in the paper (which I will be starting on come the first of August) and a bit more to talk about in the presentation. Sounds like a job for Mergesort!

Lastly, I will work on adding in a factor to favor straight wires. Interestingly, I've found that the program already does that--it will go all the way in one direction before it start moving in another. However, that's simply because of the order in which different wires are generated (it favors wires generated later over earlier ones) rather than any conscious planning.

Still, this is a huge load off my shoulders. If I had to turn it in tomorrow, I'd be okay.

And thanks for hounding me about it Dani.

Senior Project 2: 313(7|2|( |30064100

2008-06-27T03:19:00.001-07:00

So, before I left the college campus, I pounded out some code that at the time I thought would basically complete my Senior Project and then left it for a while. Naturally, it doesn't work, and I have no idea why. I went through and added several things at once without testing to make sure each step needed to work before it proceeded to the next step actually worked. This is a terrible way to do things. It's such a mess that just starting over would be faster and easier than sorting through whatever the hell I shat out before I left campus.

For once, I'm going to plan this out. I'm going to do it here on my blog, primarily so I'll be able to get back to it easily across different computers. Also, in case some sort of master programmer reads my blog because s/he is really bored and wants to drop me a few pointers.

The basic goal of this project is to alter a circuit simulation program so that when a gate or object of any type is moved, any wires in any of the pins said gate or object is attached to are re-routed such that the connections are maintained. I intend to do this using an A* search, which I must now implement from scratch. It should flow something like this.

1: Identify the wire that is being re-routed; where does it START, and where should it now END?
2: Generate a wire that both begins and ends at START, from which all future wire possibilities (WIRESET) will be generated. This will be designated as BEST to begin with.
BEGIN loop 1
3: Check to see if the current BEST wire makes the connection from START to END.
4: Put best into USEDSET, which will record every wire that has already been checked in the past.
5a: If not, generate each wire that has an end location that is one unit (this program works with a grid) away from the current state in each direction. Up, Down, Left, Right.
5b: If yes, goto 9.
6: Check to make sure each wire generated in 4a is not already in USEDSET. If it is, discard it. Otherwise, add it to WIRESET.
7: Evaluate each wire currently in WIRESET using a heuristic (elaborated upon later, perhaps), and choose the wire that is closest to the END state. This step is a procedure unto itself and will require further elaboration later. In the beginning, a random number will be assigned to each wire so that the rest of the process can be debugged.
8: goto 3
END loop 1
9: Return current BEST

For debugging purposes, I will limit loop 1 to iterating a number of times that I as a human could actually manage myself--let's say five for now, maybe more maybe less when I actually try it--so that I can make sure that step 5 and 6 are working properly.

I foresee step 7 being where all the problems happen, and I may make another post like this one to help me think about how that one will flow.

I've about a month and a half to finish this. If I really sit down and go at it (and nothing explodes in a particularly terrible way), I can do it in a week. I also have to write a paper about it, though, and it needs to be a damned good paper. If I pound at that, I can do it in a day or two. So, my goal is to have the implementation part completely done by the end of July.

Any of my friends who actually read my blog: hound me about it. Seriously. I still feel no pressure to get this done, and I don't work well without pressure.

I think this means I'm jaded.

2008-05-31T01:21:00.000-07:00

So. My parents and little brother are on vacation this weekend. Dad's coming home Sunday night, but Mom and my brother are going to stay up there for the rest of next week as well.

Well, okay. Perhaps calling it a "vacation" is a bit much. The place they're going is about one hour and forty-five minutes away from here. With gas prices soaring and inflation making things even worse, that's the best we can do. I understand there are a few concerts going on up there this week, and they plan to tour some museums or something. The plans described to me did not sound terribly appealing, so I opted to stay home and take care of the dog.

My Dad spends a lot of time yelling at what gets said on TV. One thing that he hates to hear is someone telling him to save or invest his money. He usually responds "That rich son-of-a-bitch doesn't know what he's talking about; we have no money to save!" or something similar. Now, for a long time, I just accepted this concept; our family was just barely breaking even. Between my college and the general cost of living, I found it easy to believe.

This vacation has me thinking about that though. Sure, it's a lot closer, and thus much cheaper than what one would normally expect a vacation to cost, but between paying for tickets, the room they're staying it, and all the gas they'll use getting from place to place, it's still going to be incredibly expensive. Why can't that money be saved? Another thing is that Dad is a handyman (honestly, not the bumbler usually seen on TV; he's genuinely skilled) and is often buying new tools to take back to his barn, where he makes some honestly cool stuff. That's great, but those tools aren't cheap. Why can't that money be saved?

Typically, he blames politicians and the rich. He definately sees the divide that one sees in this country as one of class. For a while, I mostly agreed with him; Washington--especially the current administration--has made many policies that seem to blatantly favor the rich at the expense of the middle class (another discussion all together, of course). But the more I think about it, the more I find myself thinking that perhaps with a bit more restraint on our family's consumption, we could actually get some money saved up. It's our own fault, at least as much as it is Washington's. Surely, there are points where one needs to enjoy life with one's money, but this vacation in particular seems unnecessary. We've been to that area of the state several times already. Those funds should be allocated elsewhere.

There are a lot of areas where I see similar things happening. People tend to find a scapegoat, and that's nothing new. It becomes a problem when placing the blame where it may not fully be due prevents one from acting and finding a solution.

So here, I need to stop and do some introspection. Am I falling for the same trap that I'm observing in others? This is a much harder question to answer; I like to think that I'm honest with myself, but true objectivity here is utterly impossible. Still, the question is an important one.

First, my problems. The most obvious and pressing one at the moment is my lack of employment. At this point, I'm convinced that there simply isn't a job out there for me. I've turned my resume in to several prospective employers, and I've gotten several replies of "we'd hire you if you weren't going back to college come the fall." Now, dropping out is an option, but it's an incredibly foolish one that I won't consider beyond acknowledging it. The economy is bad, I've no experience (something that could not be helped; I was in summer classes each year previous in order to keep my scholarship), and people with years in the workforce are out looking for a job just like me. I can't compete without a degree, even if my skills are good. Plus, I'm going back in the fall; who'd want to train me so I can work for a month or two and then leave?

I was discussing this situation with a friend of mine, and he pointed out that three other friends of mine--all in college--have already found summer jobs. This took me by surprize; if they can do it, why can't I?

There are several factors here. For one, I live in Bumblefuck, Arkansas (job opportunities: zero), while they live in Little Rock. Commuting to work simply isn't an option for me; I would be losing money on gas. They, however, can carpool to jobs much closer to home. They have many more options. Still, they'd let me move in with them if I could pay a share of rent, so that's not much of an excuse.

I found myself coming back to the fact that I was going to college, and uncertain how to get around that. When I mentioned this to the friend I was talking to, his response was simple and blunt. Lie your ass off. But wait, the primary reason I need this job is so I'll have something on my resume when I try for grad school. If I lie to them, I can't really put them on said resume. Why not? Because I'll have left them on bad terms, and I don't want future bosses calling to check on my work record and getting "He's a lying son-of-a-bitch." Like anyone actually checks that.

Now at this point, the original question has migrated to the back of my mind; perhaps I'll muse more on that later. This is newer, and has more dire implications. So, the way to succeed is to lie and count on the fact that no one actually checks on the things you say they should check? I can't do that. I've got some pride left, and I like to think I'm still an honorable man (dude, remember honor?). I'd say the apathy this mindset exploits, and the lack of honesty it encourages, is the primary reason things seem to suck right now. It seems like no one gives a shit anymore. This is a problem on so many levels I find myself unable to articulate it without starting an entire other post (and goddamn it's 4:30 in the morning; I don't have the energy for that). I want to be part of what changes this situation. Can I do that if I participate? I don't think so.

tl;dr: I'm discouraged and disillusioned and jaded right now. Shit sucks and I can't see a solution. QQ and so on. /wrist

Someone with some honor and honesty is at a disadvantage. Most people I've talked to say that getting a job comes down mainly to one thing; who you know. Apparently, I can't succeed--in fact, I can't even get started--on my own merits. Apparently, no one can.

At that point, why bother?

I suck at working

2008-05-02T18:50:00.000-07:00

I really should be getting some stuff done on my Algorithms final right now. But I'm not.

I work well under pressure. I think I work at my best under pressure. In high school, that pressure was always there, and so I was a much better worker than I am now. Since I was at a Math and Science school, the ever-looming pressure of being kicked out kept me on my toes (If you had an F and/or two D's two nine-week periods in a row, they kicked you out). Seeing as I hated my home-school and wouldn't have been able to live with myself it I'd had to go back, there was a lot of pressure there, and for the most part I thrived (Biomedical Physics aside--the hell was I thinking taking that class?)

There's just something that excites me, motivates me when I know there's something major at stake. I have no doubt that I will get this work done, and I have little doubt that I'll do quite well on it, but until then I sit here, procrastinating, knowing that I shouldn't be, but lacking the motivation to get off my ass and do something about it. My tendancy to procrastinate is certainly not my greatest flaw as a person, but it's unquestionably my greatest flaw as a student.

I think part of why I enjoy gaming so much is that I can really get into the world that the game takes place in, and its fate becomes an important motivator for me. The need to save that world (or destroy it, as the case far-too-rarely is) provides the same pressure as a big assignment being due the next day, and I enjoy the adrenaline that provides. I've tried more than once to put my work into a game-like context in an attempt to shrug off the procrastination habit (if you don't finish that problem set by tomorrow, the great lich [insert bullshit name here] will return, even though the assignment is actually due in three days!), but I can never quite convince myself for reasons that should be obvious, given my example.

I'm not even sure if it's a major problem for me. As I said before, I almost always get my work done on time, and I always do fairly well on said work. If my grades are still good (and they are--I expect three A's and one B this semester, and that B is there because the art professor is full of shit) should I even be concerned about it? I think that question, looming there, unanswered, is another thing that keeps me from breaking the habit. The fact that I actually didn't procrastinate during the few bad grades I've gotten doesn't help. I worked my ass off in both Zoology and Botany, beginning my studies for exams a week or more in advance, studying my goddamned flash cards every night, and I still made a C in Botany and failed Zoology. Studying in advance didn't help in the least then, so why should I expect it to now? I think this kind of thought is what stops me, and I don't know how to get rid of it. After all, the evidence is there, and I can't just ignore it.

I came up here figuring I'd post this and then get to work, but I know I won't at this point. I think I'mma go look for a ROM of Zelda: A Link to the Past and replay it--it's been years since my last run through that one, and I'm sure I've forgotten a lot. Maybe I'll get something up on the character sheets for one of the two DnD games I hope to join over the summer (thus far). Perhaps I'll do some more writing on DDSd20, or start constructing the dungeon for the DnD game I'mma run over at the guys' place this summer. Whatever it is, it certainly won't be work. And honestly, I think I'm okay with that.

And a lead in to another jobless summer...

2008-04-21T18:37:00.000-07:00

Indeed, summer is on the way, and once again I lack gainful employment, as well as any prospects of obtaining such employment. The situation's even worse than it was last year. I was turned down for all of my summer research opportunities, and there are no internships available anywhere as far as I can tell. We're in a recession, and thus I doubt I can get a job as something besides an intern at this point; no one wants to hire a full-time student who is going to go back to college in a few months. My parents remain hopeful that I could find something, but I think it's too little too late at this point.

I guess that means I'll have time to develop my various DnD related projects--I haven't worked on DDSd20 since before Spring Break, and I really do want to finish it. I also want to develop a few more aspects of Talmirah sometime as well. The problem is that I don't really have the drive to do anything right now. Perhaps being back home will help that along. If I really devoted myself to it, I could probably finish it up in a week or two, but I know that I don't have that kind of drive; it'll probably take twice that.

In other news, I deleted all my characters on Dark Iron. I don't think anyone's noticed yet. This was brought on by a brief conversation with TWAL; he logs on and asks what everyone's up to. I reply something along the lines of, "Random questing." He replies, "Sounds fun." "Not really." "Then why are you doing that?" Now, at this point I just gave him a bullshit answer, but that actually started me thinking--why WAS I doing that? What was I even doing? I examined my strategy--Open with Seal of the Crusader, use Judgement, then put up Seal of Righteousness. Hit the enemy until they die, heal up, find new enemy, repeat. At the time, I was killing wolves. I reflected on what I had been doing 25 levels earlier--exactly the same thing. The numbers were just a bit bigger than before. Also, within the span of 15 minutes, I got killed twice by hoard players whose levels were too high for me to see. That was enough; fuck that game. I threw all my crafting materials into the guild bank, sold everything I could, shoved my money into the vault as well, and just hit delete. I don't think I'll ever pick it up again, and if I do, it sure as hell won't be on a PVP server.

The one thing that had me pause was reflecting on the guild members--there were several genuinely cool people there, and if they'll have me I might continue hanging out on the Vent channel. I definitely won't keep playing with them again, though--it seems my sentiment about high level destroying lowbies being bullshit was shared by many, but no one seemed to dislike it enough to actually move.

Heh, I halfway expect to get a frenzied "WTF?" from Dani or possibly (but probably not) TWAL over AIM not long after I post this. That'll be fun. Oh well. Publish post.

I hate spring

2008-03-27T19:33:00.000-07:00

Seriously, this is the worst goddamn time of the year. I. CANNOT. BREATHE. I've been sneezing like mad, and my eyes itch. EVERY FUCKING THING is covered in pollen. My normally white truck is suddenly very, very yellow. I cannot understate my envy of those who don't have to deal with this shit every year. The bugs don't help things either. Also, it's already getting hot, and the AC is broken in the Linux Lab, so it's absolutely unbearable up here normally. However, I have begun bringing my fan up with me, and that makes things bearable. Still, I have a very difficult time concentrating when I'm in a hot environment, which makes it very difficult to work in here.

On another topic... I'm not sure what brought this up, but I was doing some introspection last week and I believe I have narrowed down what causes most of my problems in life. Put bluntly, I lack focus and motivation. I have a very difficult time convincing myself to work when there isn't a lot of pressure to get shit done. Normally this isn't a problem--I work really well under pressure, and I almost never turn in anything late because the day or two beforehand is quite enough time to get most of my stuff done. I know procrastination isn't a unique problem, but it's still something that causes me a lot of grief when multiple things are going to happen over a three day period.

More of a problem is my lack of focus. I've been having a hard time focusing on one thing, which causes yet more work problems. As I type this, actually, my mind occasionally wanders to the Algorithms work I'm procrastinating for right now. I also just got done wandering the internet aimlessly for about five minutes before returning to type this sentence, and it wasn't intentional; I wasn't even thinking about it. It's shit like that, man...

The real kicker here is that, in spite of having identified these problems, I have no idea what to do about them. Knowing the problem without knowing the solution (or even the approach one might use to come to the solution) is just infuriating to me.

I hate to seem emo here, but lately things just seem kind of... I dunno. Boring? Empty? I'm absurdly burnt out, I think. I have no real friends up here--a lot of acquaintances that I occasionally bullshit around with, but actual friends I know well and might go to their rooms for no other reason than to hang around with them? Zero. There were three, but two have been expelled and I don't really talk with the last anymore (these are related, and merit another post in and of themselves). I'm not sure what to do about this.

I guess my DnD group would be somewhere above that, but not much; I've actually been very seriously considering leaving that game since last session. Going from level 6 to level 15 between sessions just seems like bad DMing to me. I'll live with two levels; sometimes that's merited. But at this point, it seems like he's having the PCs fit with the game rather than the game fit the PCs. We should lose battles sometimes. Every war is going to have its losses, where the heroes flee from death and regroup elsewhere. Also, at this point, I don't really feel threatened by anything he sends at us. I think of myself as a moderately experienced DM at this point, and in in-person sessions, I've come to be able to spot where the DM flubs to keep players alive. He's done that several times now. He's afraid to kill a character, and in a game like that, I no longer feel threatened. He's otherwise a pretty cool DM, but I have a hard time having fun in a DnD game if death isn't a serious possibility.

Really, the DM isn't the problem as much as the players. The swordsage doesn't roleplay--he's there to fight, and little else (though I admit he does combat rather well). The duskblade is much the same, but not quite as bad about not roleplaying and not NEARLY as good at the combat. The crusader (evil) actually roleplays his character well, and of the current players he would be the one most welcomed at my table. He's not too good at the fighting bit, but he pulls his weight. The gunmage (think sorcerer but not as good) is mostly dead weight in combat, and his roleplay is minimal. The druid is new, and doesn't roleplay at all, but I'll forgive her for that--she's still learning the rules. With a bit of help from me, she has become the second strongest character in the game (next to me; the wizard). Overall, I'm unimpressed with the group and I'd probably ditch them if another game became available. But, it gives me something to do on the weekend, so for now I'll stick around.

Bleh. Bitching is done. Publish post.

The most annoying thing ever...

2008-02-19T09:10:00.001-08:00

...is when you're sitting at a computer, trying to get work done, and you notice you're getting really sleepy to the point of nodding off, then walking back to your room and climbing into bed only to find you're now completely awake. This happens to me far too often, and it drives me nuts. I mean, it's not like I can get up and get back to work; first off, the Linux lab (where I do my work) is on the other side of the campus; walking back and forth like that would waste a lot of time. But there's no way I'm going to get to sleep like that. Usually when that happens I end up just laying in bed for an hour or two trying to fall asleep from boredom or playing video games for a bit. It makes keeping a standard sleeping cycle really difficult.

2008-02-07T01:45:00.001-08:00

So, an observant reader might notice the "Working Title" link added to my links section. That would be another blog I've made. That will be focused on gaming, for now at least. Thanks to some stupidity with the way Blogger and Google are connected, it'll be easier for me to log in to post in that one, so I might just switch to it entirely.

So, things are going pretty okay for me. The economics class I'm taking it absurdly easy thus far, and I've little doubt that'll go well. Algorithms will be difficult but nothing I can't handle I think. I'm not sure with Survey of Programming languages yet; we still haven't gotten any grades yet. Lastly, the freehand drawing class... I'm not going to enjoy it, but I think I can do well enough to pass.

I am semi-gainfully employed now, developing new robots for students in the robotics course. Essentially, I come to the lab in the mornings with some sort of goal given to me, and then the professor leaves and I get to building things with legos. It's awesome. I don't know for certain how the pay is going to be yet; there's a lot of red tape I'm battling through there. Once I know, I might ask about more hours. A modified version of my first design is being used right now, so we'll see how it does. I may have mentioned this before, but the professor I'm doing this work for will be writing a robotics textbook next fall, and there is a high probability of my designs being used in it. This possibility is incredibly awesome.

My senior project is also going well. Just tonight, I came up here having allocated three hours to pound at this thing. In 45 minutes, I had gotten everything I set out to do done, and in the process completed tasks I hadn't even intended to be working on. Tomorrow I need to talk to my advisor about the next step, but things are going along quite well.

And well... Really, that's it. Talmirah has slowed down a lot, but I'm not surprised by that. Kinda wondering what happened to Alesch, but other than that I figure it's just people getting back to school or work (but mostly school). I don't really have a lot else going on. I've been playing God of War II lately. It's awesome. Uh... Other than that I eat, sleep, work, and bullshit on the internet. So it goes.

And I'm out of things to say. Publish post!

Dreaming

2007-12-31T18:28:00.001-08:00

Until very recently, I never had vivid dreams when sleeping. Everyone dreams--it's semi-random neurons firing when one sleeps, and if your brain isn't doing that then you're probably dead or in a coma. Anyone who says they don't dream when they sleep usually just can't remember their dreams.

Lately, I've been becoming more aware of mine. They've become more vivid. In the past, they were just vague images that didn't make sense, whereas lately they have characters I can remember and semi-cohesive plots (as far as dreams go, anyway). I can rarely remember anything about them an hour or so after I wake other than the sense of "wow, that was weird in a cool way, and I wish I could go back and finish that off." I've been pondering the possible implications of this, and my hope is that this means I'm getting caught up on the massive college-induced sleep debt I've worked up over the years.

This morning, I remembered vivid details on a dream for the fist time. I'm honestly rather excited about this, 'cause it was a pretty fun dream. Apparently it was set in a DnD universe, and this time I was playing a halfling rogue specialized in throwing weapons--an archetype I quite enjoy playing when I get the chance, I know it was a halfling because my view of the world was very close to the ground, and I remember having to look up at everything. I know it was a rogue because once in a while I'd throw a knife at the random orc and "Sneak attack: ##" would appear above them, and they would promptly die. The damage values from the sneak attacks were consistent, even; based on those, I'd guess I was around level 16 or so. The end of the dream was the appearance of a dude I know from reality. Real nice, real timid dude. He proceeded to one-shot the party tank. I got a couple of sneak attacks off, and it didn't even phase him. About then, the dog started barking and I woke up.

I dunno, it's just something that's sticking out as really, really unusual for me. I figure if nothing else it'd be good to have this up here for myself, in case I forget tomorrow.

My WoW experience

2007-12-24T19:35:00.000-08:00

So, over the past week or so, I've been playing a WoW trial. It was interesting, and I might as well give my impressions here.

So, first off, the best mechanical aspect of the game, and the thing that I hope other programmers learn from the most, is the crafting/gathering system. I've seen other games with crafting systems, but few that actually remain useful throughout the game. Either you only get things that are useful until you find something better off an enemy (which doesn't take long), or you can't craft anything until you've got money to spend on expensive materials. On WoW, I took mining and blacksmithing, and if I had focused on it a bit more I could have made equipment on par with what I found from random monsters. However, I didn't because I couldn't get on the auction house on the trial, and there were things I needed for crafting that I couldn't get on my own, such as leather. Most of my gear on my paladin was stuff I'd found, but the stuff I could have made with the proper items would have probably been better. From what I can tell, the absolute best stuff is stuff you find at high levels, but it looked like there was pretty good shit to be made as well, taking a peek at the higher level items. The only other system I've played on that even came close was Lineage II's. That system failed in that it made entire classes who's primary feature was crafting, leaving them gimped in combat relative to other classes (and therefore a nightmare to level). Here, my crafting abilities complemented my combat abilities. Same with my mage's alchemy, but we'll get to that in a second.

The game is beautiful, there's no doubt about that. It was stylized too. There were a few things that bothered me (a few who played with me might recall me ranting about how a human male's forearms are as big/bigger than the rest of their arms, and holy shit at their hands!) but for the most part everything was just pretty. And on this old computer, that's pretty impressive. Still, I think Blizzard went a bit too far to show it off. Having to walk for twenty minutes to get to a quest destination does a lot to show off the scale of the game, but it also interrupts the gameplay, and that's no fun. I think that's something about Guild Wars I prefer; you can step out and usually start doing any quests you're given in a minute or less. Having to fly everywhere was majestic and all that, but it also took up time I'd have rather used killing bandits and such. That bothered me.

The most important thing, of course, was the combat. I went all out with the classes. My end total was five characters. Easiest was the hunter, but the most fun was the paladin. If I ever actually get the game, I'll probably make him my main character. With three different, "Oh, shit!" buttons to help survive as well as 60+ damage per strike (110+ on criticals) and decent armor, I rarely needed to spend time between battles healing up, and if I did, I had a spell for that.

The other one I played long enough to really make a judgement with was the mage. And goddamn, I hate playing the mage alone. He was hella fun in the instance, but when alone, it was basically kill one enemy, drink for about 20 seconds, kill another enemy, drink for about 20 seconds, attack another enemy and get killed by a stray critical. People keep telling me that this is because I specced fire, but when I look at the talents available for frost at that level... It just looks like I'd be doing less damage. There was nothing there that would have boosted my survivability that much. I understand that it's a class that doesn't really come around until level 40 (according to several other opinions) but that's just bad design. The classes should be viable throughout the game. Hell, my paladin was doing more damage than the mage, and he had better health and armor to boot! At that point, there are some serious problems that need to be addressed in the system. Maybe I was just doing it wrong, I dunno. Either way, didn't like leveling the mage.

I would like to play it. I don't think the game is anywhere near as good as the hype makes it out to be, but it was fun and I'd like to be able to play with friends. Unfortunately, I have no computer, so that's not likely to happen. Even if I get a computer, I noticed that I didn't get much done during that time. Fortunately, there wasn't much that NEEDED to be done this time, but if there were, it might have been bad. I dunno, and for now I'm not gonna think that hard on it--I need a computer first.

At last, a day where I have nothing to do...

2007-12-06T15:03:00.000-08:00

Finals have begun, and the worst of them are over. Yesterday I had the AI final; a presentation and a paper due. The paper turned out well, the presentation was unimpressive. In the end, I think I aced the class; strong grades throughout the year and especially so towards the end, plus a solid final. Monday is the exam for Discrete, Tuesday my game for Practicum is due, and Wednesday I get to see the Robotics students show off their final products. Today, I'm not going to do a damned thing.

I got Personal 3 for my birthday. It's... interesting. I've got some severely mixed feelings about it. When I finish, I'll probably post a full review of the game here. Once I'm done with my general bullshitting on the internets, I'll probably get back to playing that.

I've been informed that I wasn't a very good robotics TA this semester. My professor gave me some bluntly honest criticisms about how I went about things, and it was exactly the kind of honesty I need so badly and so rarely get. Apparently, my loud voice combined with my large stature makes me a rather intimidating figure. I never knew! I use a few too many profanities in class, primarily because I thought of this class as being with peers, not me teaching students. It was supposed to be the latter. No one EVER tells me these things! This is exactly the kind of thing that would STOP if people would just tell me I'm doing them. It was an interesting conversation, and it's certainly going to change the way I go about things in the future. He's got another project in mind for me next semester that's going to be more fun anyway, so in the end everything's okay.

I would appreciate some feedback...

2007-11-30T13:54:00.000-08:00

Okay. So. I'm in a Creative Writing: Short Fiction class right now. Our final stories are due Monday, and I'd like some peer reviews of mine. I'm not particularly happy with the ending, but other than that I'm pretty pleased so far. Please point out why I shouldn't be.

And before you point it out, yes. I'm using names I've used in RPs. I'm not particularly good at coming up with names and I reuse the ones I like; sue me.

But is it Justice? (Revision)

As the guards with the halberds lead me up the path to the courthouse, people lining the streets shout words of support to me. A few even throw rotten fruit or rocks at the guards with the halberds, focusing on the one carrying the chain to my manacles. Still, these men are all well disciplined and hardly flinch as the hurled projectiles glance off their armor, each stone producing a sharp ring as it bounces away from the steel. They hide it well, but I can see the fear in their eyes; fear that one of the peasants would come to the street with a crossbow or some other such implement of death that could pierce their breastplates, staining their green tabards with their blood, all to free their “savior.” But the peasants bring no implements of death. They all walk with me and the guards with the halberds the whole twenty minutes it takes to traverse the cobblestone path between the jailhouse and the courthouse. All the while, the commonfolk shout at me and the guards. They call me their hero, their liberator, their savior. In truth, I am nothing but a murderer.
The courthouse looms above us, its massive wooden doors creaking open on hinges in dire need of oil. They open slowly, and the guards with the halberds form a semi-circle around the entrance, standing at attention, keeping the throngs of observers at bay with their steely gazes, their weapons pointed skyward. This isn't enough to keep the people at the front back; in the end, the guards level their halberds, blades dangerously close to the people. This is enough to get them to retreat. Relieved, I think about the bitter irony of people dying to save a murderer like me.
Resigned to my fate, I walk into the courthouse. Only now did the guard who carried my ball put it down, taking gaping breaths as his muscles release the burden. Normally, a prisoner is made to carry his own ball; the lawmakers say something about it representing their shame. That a man was provided to carry my burden said many things, but most importantly was this; there is someone important who thinks I have nothing to be ashamed of. I thank him softly, and he simply nods in response, still struggling to catch his breath as I wonder who sent him.
Carrying the ball to the small podium that I'm told to stand at isn't so difficult, since it's only a few yards from the door. As I drop the iron weight to my side, I'm struck by how huge the room is; the unpainted brick walls seem to be miles away, and the light of the torches falls far short of illuminating the ceiling. The massive number of people sitting on the wooden bleachers whisper and mumble, the sound of their voices amplified by the room's echo to almost deafening levels. More guards with halberds stand between the assembled observers, and the ones who escorted me from the jailhouse stand before the huge wooden doors as they creak closed, all of them looking nearly identical with their green tabards and the open-faced helmets.
Suddenly, a clear tenor voice sounds over all the others, causing me to flinch. “The court will now have silence!” shouts the bailiff, and suddenly the only sound in the room is the faint echo of his order. “Thus begins the trial of Dorin Smithson for the murder of Duke Saberlin Farthing!” For a moment, I'm taken aback—his first name was Saberlin? I'd never heard that before.
“Representing the accused today is Gene Terrick, and representing the Farthing estate is Lathlan Keeyan! The mediator and decision maker for this trial is the esteemed Mother Seena Artly! As always, Saint Eua's eyes are upon us; may she see justice served on this day!”
“Thank you, baliff. You may take your seat,” says the elderly woman sitting at the mediator's desk, with a weak voice that barely carries throughout the room. In less dire circumstances, she might have seemed a motherly figure; her gray hair falls over her purple robes, and her wrinkled face looks down upon me with weary blue eyes. “Keeyan, please begin with a description of the crime.”
I look to my left as a thin, middle-aged man with black hair and a well-trimmed beard stands. “Yes, milady. Three nights ago, Lord Farthing was found in his dining room, dead. The wine he had been drinking had spilled on the floor around him, and was found to have been poisoned. Smithson, Lord Farthing's serving man that night, was questioned not two hour afterwards in his home, and admitted to the crime.”
As he sits, Seena's gaze falls upon me one more, and she nods gravely. “You admit freely to this, Mr. Smithson?”
“Y... yes, milady.” My voice is cracked and dry, and I realize that this is the first time I have spoken in at least a day.
“How was it done?”
I hesitate for a few moments, the details of that day flooding my mind. Slowly, I begin to recount Farthing's last moments.

“More wine!”
I rush forward with another golden goblet to Farthing's seat. The smell of the roasted water fowl he dines upon only reminds me of how little I had eaten myself lately. As I reach his seat, I hear the small door to the dining hall open. In one fluid motion, I place Farthing's next cup—his third for this meal alone—and pick up the one that had been emptied, the cup's golden surface reflecting the gleaming light of the chandelier above.
Through the doors, a guard enters. Farthing barely slows his feasting as the man approaches, sending a small glance towards the newcomer, annoyance and contempt plain in his beady eyes. The guard approaches briskly and kneels before Farthing, bowing his head as he speaks.
“My lord, five more workers have died in your silver mines, slain by beasts in the night.”
Farthing wipes a bit of wine that had been caught in his small beard with the neck of his silk robe as he turns to speak to the guard. “So find five more people who've lagged in payment of my respects and put them to work. Raise taxes if you need to.” He pauses a moment to belch before adding, “Raise them even if you don't need to, actually.”
This distraction is all I need. Moving away from the table, I take the small vial of mandrake poison out of my front pocket and dump the powder into the cup as I move back to the serving table across the room. It swirls in the cup as I pour yet more wine—I'd learned long ago that if I didn't get the his next drink to him quickly, I would be beaten afterwards. A few moments and the powder is thoroughly mixed with the drink, completely invisible to the eye.
As I add the poison, I can hear the guard behind me. “But sir, won't we bring the wrath of the knights upon us if we keep this up? I'm sure if sir Caid were to hear of this--”
“Caid? Why, goodsir Caid dined with me just last eve! I'm sure as long as the silver is pure and plentiful, he'll be able to overlook some minor details.” He chuckles as he adds, “Peasants die all the time, no?”
“I-- As you say, milord...” I turn just in time to see guard bow and leave the room without a word. He'd be sent to those mines himself if he disobeyed his lord, and I'd heard stories of the place that would make the Abyss seem inviting in comparison.
Returning to his meal, Farthing drains the contents of his goblet in one swallow, slamming the cup to the heavy wooden table when he finishes. Through more painful experience, I had come to know this as an order for another glass. Once more, I swiftly return, the tainted wine in hand. Upon arriving, I place the glass on the table without spilling a drop in spite of my shaking hands.
Farthing doesn't even give me time to scoop up his other goblet as he reaches for the freshly poured serving. I hastily return to my place; already I tell he knows something is wrong. I can hear him beginning to choke behind me, and I freeze. He begins making one of the most pathetic sounds I had ever heard, too soft to reach anyones ears but my own. It's almost like the crying of a child. I hear his heavy chair scrape against the floor as he tries to stand, but from the soft thud I hear next, I guess that his legs failed him. Through all of this, I haven't the will to turn and look at the man I had killed. After that, all I remember was running away and feeling the enormity of what I had just done sink in...

“And you freely admit to this?” Seena looks down upon me intensely.
“Yes.”
“I see... Mr. Keeyan, have you anything more to ask?”
Lathlan nods and says, “I would like to know more of the guard who distracted lord Farthing was; he is a potential accomplice in the murder.”
Suddenly, a truly innocent man's life was at stake, and I shout, “No!” After an awkward pause to recompose myself, I add, “That man had nothing to do with my plot! He was simply a convenience. I am the only one guilty of lord Farthing's murder. I worked completely alone.” And it's true. They say the mediators are blessed by Saint Eua with the ability to see truths and lies as they leave a guilty person's mouth, and I silently pray that this is true, lest the unfortunate guard who entered that night be brought down with me.
To my relief, she nods. “Eua's sight reveals all to me; the accused speaks the truth. He has concealed nothing from the Lady Justice, and admitted his guilt. The trial is over, and we will now proceed to sentencing.”
For the first time, I watch a man to my right stand. He is of a fairly pudgy build, with short blond hair and a pair of spectacles resting on his broad nose. His anger clearly visible on his face, Gene says, “Milady, I must respectfully object! All has not yet been said!”
I close my eyes as the observers all begin muttering, and flinch once more as the bailiff stands and demands silence. Seena gives a pained sigh and asks, “He has admitted to murder. The law says that the murder of a Duke entails excommunication followed by hanging. What more is there to reveal?”
“This man did murder, yes; that much is obvious.” He slams his fist on his desk and shouts, “However, what he did was for the good of all! Farthing was a tyrant who was unworthy of the gifts granted to him by his family, and the world is far better off without him! We should be knighting this man,” he says, gesturing grandly at me. “Not hanging him!”
“Nonsense!” Lathlan now stands, his voice even, a smirk on his face. Already, I feel sorry for Gene; I know Lathlan to be an experienced lawyer, and Gene, though I had heard he was a promising student, is fresh out of Helldrith Academy. With a calm demeanor, Lathlan continues. “The law is very clear about the fate of those who murder their lords. Our laws are what give us order and keep us safe; without law, we would have chaos. To allow even a single exception to these laws is to invite many more, negating the entirety of their purpose. Murder is murder, regardless of who was killed. To allow this man to get away with murdering his lord, who he might have found oppressive, is to say that it is acceptable to kill those you dislike; surely you do not wish to tell the people that? Why, if we were to allow such behavior, no one would be left alive.” He pauses and, as an afterthought, turns to Seena and says, with a bow, “Save for perhaps church officials such as yourself.” 'Tis all I can do to keep from spitting at such a patronizing man.
“I shall have none of your straw men today, Keeyan!” I flinch once more as Gene pounds his fist on the desk again. “Farthing was responsible for more deaths than there are people filling this room, and everyone knows it! He starved the servants in his fields to death, and ate enough at each meal to feed at least two families! He spent money that should have been spent housing the poor people he was responsible for lining his codpiece with gold and buying every whore within--”
“Gene Terrick, we are in the gaze of Eua!” Seena shouts suddenly, her voice finding sudden strength. “You shall keep your tongue in check! Such disrespectful speech has no place in my courtroom!”
This gets his attention, and he backs down. “My apologies, milady; though I speak nothing but the truth, I allowed anger to spur me too far...” I think to myself, bitterly, that he is far from the only one spurred by anger. The vague figures of the peasants that I can still hear shouting “free our savior” outside appear in my mind's eye for a few moments.
“Nothing but sentimental rubbish!” Lathlan stands and looks to Gene. “None of your claims can be proven. Why, were the situation so dire, the law would have surely come down upon Lord Farthing's head; is that not the duty of the knights?”
“The knights can only be summoned against a Duke when he is to be taken to trial, and had they received the order I have little doubt they would have gladly carried out this duty. But the order was never given, all because Farthing bribed those responsible for giving it!” I watched as Gene pulled a sheaf of parchment from a small satchel at his hip. “And here is proof! Provided voluntarily by Farthing's accountant, records of his spending for the last three years.” What? But Farthing had all of his documents burned. Had the accountant been making copies secretly? My questions are left unspoken and unanswered as Gene goes on. “Between the obscene amount spent on, and I quote, 'golden dinnerware, meals fit for the king, and pleasurable company,' are the names of several kingdom officials, responsible for keeping making sure servants are treated humanely. I would note, with no small degree of interest, that one Duran Caid is listed here most often—he is the man in charge of deploying the knights against dukes who break the laws, is he not? I also notice that Mr. Keeyan's name appears several--”
“Milady, I must object!” Lathlan's expression had turned suddenly frightened. I'd seen animals caught in hunter's traps with the same expression, and I must admit, it fits the man. “Neither I nor Farthing are on trial here; Mr. Terrick is trying to shift the focus of these proceedings away from the matter at hand!”
With a contemplative expression, Seena looks to Gene. Finally, she says, “Mr. Terrick, Mr. Keeyan is correct; this trial must focus on the murder of Lord Farthing, not his wrongdoing in life.” As Gene opens his mouth to speak, she holds up her hand and continues, “However, after this trial is over, I will personally examine these documents, and if I find evidence of wrongdoing, I will arrange for the guilty parties to be brought to justice myself.” I smile at this, the first time I had smiled in a long time. Now the people who had allowed this to happen and benifited from the death of Farthing's servants would be caught. I watch with a kind of sadistic glee I wouldn't have thought myself possible before this as the color drains from Lathlan's face; he knows he is finished.
“I think I have nearly heard enough.” Seena leans back in her chair and places her right hand on her forehead. “Unless either of you have more evidence to present, I want you to move on to closing statements. I will render my judgment afterwards. We will start with you, Mr. Keeyan.”
All eyes in the room, including my own, turn to him. The pompous bastard still hasn't regained his composure, still wearing the trapped expression. He takes a few breaths, then stands, his voice quivering as much as his legs as he begins, “M-milady, while 'tis perhaps true that Farthing was not a well liked man, or a good man, my earlier point still stands. The law says that the murder of a Duke is to be punished first by excommunication, and then by hanging, sending the guilty to meet their fate in the icy Abyss. We are here to see that the law is served. If there can be exceptions to the law based on the circumstances, than there may as well be no law for all the good it would do. He has admitted to the crime, and must now face the wrath of the law. There is nothing more to be said.” His monologue done, he sits in his chair. I can see him fidget nervously as Gene stands.
“Most of what Mr. Keeyan just said is true, milady. The law does indeed say that the murder of a Duke is to be punished by excommunication followed by execution. He is also correct in stating that the accused has admitted to the murder. However, where he strays is by saying that we are here to serve the law. This is simply not the case. No, we are here to serve justice. Before you sentence this man, I beg you to ask yourself whether this is just. 'Tis the law, yes, but is it justice? Anyone, from the simplest child to the master philosophers, and even Saint Eua herself would say the same thing. It is NOT justice!”
A stirring speech, I think. 'Tis a shame that Seena had already made her decision, even before Lathlan started to speak. When a person has settled on a very difficult decision like she has, if you watch close enough, you can always tell. I saw that a few minutes ago, and I can see now that the speeches changed nothing. Gene settles back into his chair, beaming at the effect his speech had on the observers, now all whispering to one another furiously.
A full minute passes as Seena feigns deliberation, and at last she signals to the bailiff, who calls for silence. “I have reached a decision.” She looks down to me and, with a sad tone, says, “Dorin Smithson, I find you guilty of the murder of Duke Saberlin Farthing. You will hang at dawn.” It doesn't surprise me, though judging by the outcry from the observers it did many. I see Lathlan grinning, and looking to my right, I see Gene slumped in his seat, looking as though he may burst into tears.
Suddenly, there is a loud sound from outside, and for the first time I notice that the chanting outside had ceased—but when? Then I hear one voice, words muffled by the thick doors. The voice seemed to be shouting an order.
And then, a loud impact on the door, so fierce that it cracks several of the planks, sending splinters everywhere. Before I have time to think, the guards around the door fling themselves against the besieged door, and one shouts, “Get Mother Artly out of here! Now!” The observers on the bleachers begin panicing as another impact on the door produces more splinters. The guards braced against it grunt as one as they dampen the blow, but it's plain to see that they cannot hold it—if nothing else, the old hinges will give out first.
Panic grips the room at the third crash. I turn around to see that Seena has already been escorted out. The people on the bleachers run all at once for the back of the courthouse, where one would presumably find a back exit. I can see Gene shouting and waving at the panicing spectators, futile trying to calm them. Lathlan has vanished; presumably joining the mass of fleeing people. And all the while, I try to understand what's happening.
Finally, one of the guards grabs my shoulder. “The door'll not hold long; stand clear if you wish to remain whole!” He pushes me away, and slowly I stagger away from the podium, which sat so close to the door. I couldn't get far, however, hobbled by the ball chained to my leg.
One more crash, this time followed by the lock hitting the floor. I heard a voice outside yell, “'Tis open! For our savior!” All of the people outside echoes that cry and began forcing the door to open wider. The group of people who had been carrying the ram—crudely built from a recently felled tree—places their burdens on the ground and drew their weapons. The peasants all carried implements of labor converted to for war; axes, pitchforks, sickles, scythes, picks, threshing flails, all wielded against the guards with the halberds. A few people had fashioned clubs from table legs, and a few people carried knives. Metal clashed with metal as the two forces met; the guards better equipped and better trained, but the peasants emboldened by their cause and overwhelming in number.
As battle was joined, all I could do was shout, begging them to stop this worthless rebellion. However, my pleas went unheard over the din of fighting...

Being sick on one's birthday sucks.

2007-11-27T23:16:00.000-08:00

Good thing hardly anyone realized anyway, and good thing the closest thing I did to a party was Saturday with my parents.

I've been getting sick a lot lately. I attribute it to stress, what with all the shit due Tursday and Friday.

Anyway, yeah. I'm still alive. I feel like shit. I still need to program. I'd post more but there hasn't been a whole lot going on to post about, so I'll just skip it and start on the programming I need to do.

I am Paradox. Listen to me bitch.

2007-10-25T00:21:00.000-07:00

Bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch.

Blarg. I've been getting sick a lot lately. I've got some kind of minor headcold that's just minor enough that I can't really skip classes over it without feeling like a slug, yet just major enough that I'm pretty much worthless as far as getting work done.

I'm not sure if I have a fever, and I guess I'm never going to know. See, they put the nurse's office on the other side of campus, so if you're sick, you have to walk approximately one mile to see the nurse. I think this was a not-so-subtle way of saying "Just don't get sick, and if you do, just stay in bed and lose credit in your classes because you're weak and don't deserve to go here and we hate you." At the very least, it was very, very poor planning. I don't have the energy to walk over there. I'm probably just going to miss class tomorrow; if I call my professors and let them know ahead of time, they'll probably be cool with it. Maybe I could even get the Discrete test pushed back to Monday instead of Friday if I'm still feeling this shitty.

Speaking of abnormal behaviors (shut up, I totally was), I've been getting a lot of sleep lately. Never at night, though; as I type this sentence, the clock ticks on to 2:28 AM, and I've been up since 8:00 PM. I've been averaging about nine hours of sleep a day (rarely continuous, but such is life). Yet in spite of getting more sleep than I've gotten since summer, I'm still always sleepy. I've been experiencing life through this lethargic haze that makes working really, really difficult.

My browser for Programming Practicum is actually shaping up to be pretty cool. It's basically two internet windows glued together; one can be on one page, and the other can be on another. Useful for making, say, character sheets while using the API as a reference.

Ah, character sheets... That brings me to a wonderful segue to Under Construction. Basically it's dieing, and it's happening exactly as I figured it would when I converted it. People have to leave for real-life matters, and meanwhile no one is coming in. Crys leaves because of college, Brian leaves because of life (and doesn't tell me; I should thank Chase for letting me know that he'd quit sometime). Everyone who's still there is posting slower, and that includes me too. I've seen this several times before; this is the website's death cries; unless I get a transfusion of new members, it will slowly bleed out.

My work drive is non-existant, my head's pounding, I'm behind in AI and Practicum, I feel like I need sleep even when I clearly don't, my friends are in the middle of an argument that should have ended two months ago, and to top it all off I'm using my blog as a bitch space (something I told myself I would NEVER do), but hey, there is some good news! I beat Final Fantasy Tactics for the first time last week! And I'm on the final dungeon in Shin Megami Tensei: Digital Devil Saga II!

*Headdesk* So I'mma post this now before I read it over again and decide it's too angsty to post. With any luck, I'll come to regret it later. *Post*

I lol'd

2007-10-21T12:25:00.000-07:00

"Your Mom" jokes aside, this is about right...

2007-09-25T00:02:00.000-07:00

Once again, xkcd is awesome. That's about how my sleep works right now anyway, though I have to stay up a bit later than 2:00 on Mondays to TA.

The long weekend from hell (PROTIP: MASSIVE QUANTITIES OF BITCHING FOLLOWS)

2007-09-03T20:00:00.000-07:00

So, hope you guys had a good weekend. Me? Mine sucked. Really hardcore.

First off, keep in mind through all of this that I'm sick as hell. I saw a doctor about it today, and while I take his opinion with a grain of salt due to the involved conversation he had during the examination about the duck hunting trip that afternoon, he diagnosed me with a sinus infection. I have nothing against duck-hunters, but I do have something against people discussing personal matters on their cellphone when they should be doing their goddamned job.

Anyway, yeah. Symptoms include: super-headaches that NEVER. GO. AWAY., earaches, stuffy/runny nose, sneezing, hurting eyes, hurting joints, hurting fucking everything, lack of energy, chills, and loss of appetite. Surprisingly, though, no fever. I never have fevers, though.

Basically, through Saturday and Sunday, I was completely worthless. Tylenol/other painkillers did basically nothing, and staying warm was basically impossible. I'm a fat man, and thus have insulation against the cold. When I can't get warm, it's a big deal, and either everyone else around me has frostbite, or I'm hella sick.

Anyway, so, my laptop came in about Wednesday, and I was introduced to it Friday when I got home. Naturally, it came packaged with Vista. I'm pretty sure I'm with the majority when I say that I loathe Vista and much prefer XP. The first thing I did was make the restore disks, since HP wants everyone to use their built-in, likely worthless restore-from-harddrive function instead of a disk. It took 11 CDs.

After that was done, I tried to installed XP Pro. However, Vista has this thing where it protects itself from being overwritten once the OS is booted up. I don't know if this is specific to XP or just in general, but to get XP installed I had to boot from the CD. Which is no big deal, of course, except for the intimidating blue-screen-with-white-text that it involves. The install went smoothly, but I forgot the password for our internet service, so I couldn't really do anything. Had to download my anti-virus, then Firefox, then lots of other stuff. So I shut it down and went looking for the password. Eventually, thanks to Mom's excellent knowledge of her own filing system which confuses the hell out of me, she found it.

When I went to enter that in, the computer automatically booted up from the CD, rather than asking me like it should. Immediately, this sends waves of dread over me. Taking the disk out, I find that it just restarts over and over again and never loads the OS up. Shit.

So, out of the hope that maybe it was just set to boot from CD to the default somehow, I head into the BIOS to change the boot order so that it checks the harddrive first. Mom sees me doing this, with the intimidating BSOD layout and all. When I announce that the computer apparently can no longer find its harddrive, she decides that it's because of something I did in the BIOS or something. Note that she doesn't even know what the BIOS is or how to get to it.

Anyway, she's riding me to find some solution to this. I'm pretty convinced it's a hardware issue that came from the factory; an important connection isn't being made somewhere. However, that's not how she sees it.

My experience with laptops is pretty consistently negative, and I don't want one anymore. Fuck this shit; desktops are so much more stable that I'll just stick with them. However, we can't return the thing because it's been altered from the original settings. No problem; just boot from the restore CDs and put Vista back on. Except for the error that popped out of the FIRST. FUCKING. DISK.

Now, I'm pretty sure we can still exchange it. This is a hardware fuck-up, and even if it actually IS something that's my fault, we have a replacement policy that SHOULD cover this. But I've still gotta try to restore things to normal. So, on top of being sick, I've got Mom mad at me for something that I couldn't have possibly done.

Now, I'm probably making Mom look like some kind of psycho bitch who has no mercy for her sick son. This is most certainly not the case; she's been real good about taking care of me and all that. She just CANNOT accept that she knows next to nothing about computers and electronics. This is far from the first situation like this. A few times in the past she's gotten results due to dumb luck, however, so she's convinced she knows something when she doesn't. I don't claim to be an advanced computer user myself; I know software pretty well, but hardware escapes me for now. I can still firmly say that I know more about computers than her. Far more, really.

Plus, there's an AI assignment due tomorrow that I'm not only not done with, but am completely stuck on. Programmers know what I'm talking about here; your code is doing things and you can't see why. There is always an explanation, but you can't find it without some guidance. Had I not been bed-ridden most of the weekend, I could have consulted with my professor by now and hopefully figured things out. Were I not ever-so-slightly medicine-addled at the moment, I might be able to figure this out myself. However, for now, I'm sitting on results that I have no idea how to debug, and no professor to talk to, and it's due tomorrow. It was assigned two weeks ago, so I doubt I'll recieve any mercy regarding late penalties.

What a wonderful way to start the school-year. If it's gonna keep going like this, someone shoot me now.

Back in School

2007-08-21T17:13:00.000-07:00

So, yeah. Back to college. I'm moved in; this year I've got a single room. It's considerably smaller than what I'm used to, but it's enough. And certainly worth it since I don't have to deal with a roommate. There are, of course, a lot of problems on campus that should have been taken care of during the summer. For example, there is something wrong with the card readers that makes it so that several don't recognize my card. Normally I post from the Linux lab in one of said buildings, but no such luck today. Anyway, other than that, things are going well. Me schedule is as follows:

Discrete Mathematics - Monday/Wednesday/Friday, 8:10 - 9:00. Dreading having to wake up for this one tomorrow, but other than that I foresee this being a rather easy class.

Weight Training - Monday/Wednesday, 12:10-1:00. Getting that physical activity credit out of the way.

Programming Practicum - Monday/Wednesday/Friday, 1:10 - 2:00. This is gonna be tough; the programming class that separates the minors from the majors. However, we learn some really cool shit in this one, so I'm looking forward to it.

Artificial ~~Freakin'~~ Intelligence - Tuesday/Thursday, 9:45 - 11:00. Hells yeah! A. Fuckin' I.! I foresee this being a really cool class. We'll actually be building robots towards the end of it.

Creative Writing: Fiction - Tuesday/Thursday, 2:45 - 4:00. This counts as my art credit, so getting that out of the way. What I learn here might actually improve me as a GM, but thus far I'm thinking it's meant more for mundane fiction. I do hope the professor doesn't have anything against high fantasy and science fiction. Otherwise this could be a long, annoying experience. The reading list for the class appears to be completely missing those genres.

That’s it for now. Still no word on whether or not I get the Robotics T.A. job; I’ll find that out tomorrow after Practicum. Hopefully my laptop will come in soon and I will therefore have more secure internet access.

Still nothing to say...

2007-08-06T22:36:00.001-07:00

So, here's a comic instead.

So many ways to communicate, but nothing to say...

2007-07-19T03:50:00.000-07:00

So, here I am, thinking, "I should make a post in my blog." Naturally, the next thought is, "What should I post about?"

I draw a complete blank. There is nothing going on in my life right now, and on some level I suppose I'm bored out of my mind. Yet at the same time, I know I'm going to look back on the summer and miss it when classes kick in and I'm struggling to meet multiple deadlines that all "happen" to be on the same day.

My average day right now consists of waking up sometime in the middle of the afternoon, engage in inane and essentially worthless discussion with classmates in an unbearably easy literature class with peers who are, for the most part, not worth my time. The professor is a pretty cool dude, but he rarely posts; I guess he prefers to leave the discussions to the students. After that, it's a combination of video games, posting on UC, DnD related writing, or just generally wasting time on TEH INTERNETS. Maybe a DnD game, but lately that's been getting harder to do. Repeat in whatever combination you like until... Probably around 9:00 this morning, and move on through the day until it gets back to a normal schedule.

It depresses me. It depresses me even more that in about a month, I'll be looking back on these idle days and thinking about how good I had it. Though then, I might actually have more human contact to work with--it's quite likely I'll run my current DnD campaign for people at Hendrix. One semi-friend asked (read: almost begged) me to run a game when I described my views on some DnD rules. Hopefully that'll go well.

Meh, I guess I'm just in a general funk right now. Losing that job was a bad deal for me, and now I just don't have a lot to do. And I don't see any way out of this, save waiting for college to restart.

Eh. Seems everyone's just havin' a bad time right now. Such is life, I suppose.

XD

2007-07-12T14:51:00.000-07:00

People always screw things up

2007-07-05T23:41:00.000-07:00

I think I can finally point to a very specific reason I am primarily a console gamer instead of a PC gamer.

With console games, other people are optional. When other people get involved in the game, inevitably, SOMEONE is going to fuck things up. Be it the leecher who sits and does nothing while you fight or the asshole GM who refuses to acknowledge other player's opinions or concerns, even berating them in the process.

Thus, with that thought, I shall return to playing Paper Mario. There, at least, if something screws up, it's clearly my fault and there is probably something I can do to fix things. /bitter

Webcomics

2007-07-04T06:45:00.000-07:00

I would totally play this game. In other news, webcomic section added. I read a lot of 'em. Comes with having no life and no hopes of ever gaining one.

The console wars

2007-06-27T05:01:00.000-07:00

Here we go. Once again, it's Sony versus Microsoft versus Nintendo. These are the times that console gamers simultaneously live for and dread. The lines are drawn and the pieces are in play, and now we watch as the shit hits the fan. Good times for the people who get behind the winners, and not-so-good for the people behind the losers.

What makes this one even more interesting, though, is that there's another war mixed in with the console wars; the format wars. We've got another beta-max versus VHS going between HD-DVD and Blu-Ray, the former backed by Microsoft and the X-Box, the latter backed by Sony and the PS3. Meanwhile, Nintendo and the Wii are sitting that aspect of this war out.

Yes, I'm aware that everyone who hasn't been under a rock for the last year or so would know all of this. I'm getting to my thoughts on the subject.

Firstly, I'm fully behind Nintendo on this one. It's not there yet, but I have no doubt that the Wii will, at the very least, thrive in this war. I honestly expect it to eventually dominate, once Smash Brothers Brawl and Metroid Prime III come out. Christmas is going to be very sweet to Wii owners. I'm waiting for Nintendo to bust out some cool uses for a connection between a Wii and a DS. Nintendo fucked up by putting support behind connecting the GBA and the Gamecube (though Crystal Chronicals and Four Swords were fun). However, now everything is wireless, so the consumer isn't left with the bad taste of having to buy a cable for each connection, making connecting the DS and the Wii much more viable. I'm worried the big N might be discouraged by the flop of GBA/Gamecube connectivity, but hopefully someone there will realize that they've got a good opportunity to do something with that. Even if they don't, though, they've still got the sheer awesome factor of the Wii and DS separated. Nintendo has paved a path to the top of the heap this time, with the cheapest console as well as the coolest premise. The virtual console was promising, but the prices are higher than they should be; I'm still hoping for a price drop on the older games. Frankly, I'm of the opinion that most, if not all, of the NES games should be free. But even if they don't, I'll just emulate if I'm craving something retro.

Sony, Sony, Sony. What the fuck were you thinking? The PS3 has been botched so badly that it's not even funny anymore; it's just sad. I don't have an HDTV, so what the fuck am I going to do with your Blu-Ray player? My PS2 is still getting a lot of playtime, and Sony's going to keep getting money from my for that platform for a while still, but right now I see absolutely no reason to shell out the $600 Sony is asking for the PS3 right now. At the beginning, it looked like they would just smother me with exclusive titles that no gamer should go without. MGS3, DMC4, FFXIII, and so on. They're losing these titles quickly, however, and without them Sony has nothing there to draw me towards them. Basically, if Sony doesn't throw out a cheaper version of the system (say, one that doesn't include that obscenely expensive and almost useless Blu-Ray player) I see little chance of me ever purchasing one. Maybe, maaaaaaaybe if they can get exclusives, but game developers are realizing that exclusiveness is a bad deal for them and for gamers, so I doubt that will happen. I'll live without games like White Knight Legend until I start seeing used PS3s go up for sale at prices I can conceivable afford or when I get a more steady source of cash going. Blatantly stealing the Wiimote concept did nothing to restore my faith in the company and the brand.

I think a year ago, I would have laughed if you'd told me that I'd be saying this, but I'm actually interested in the 360 right now. There are a few more things that need to happen before I'll be paying for one, but unlike with the PS3, this isn't completely implausible. First, I want to see more RPGs for the 360. Right now, there's not much to choose from in the RPG department, and that's where most of my gaming happens. Basically, for this to happen, the 360 needs to start doing better in Japan, and therefore attract Japanese developers like Squeenix. Everything I've seen suggests Blue Dragon has made some headway in this department—we'll wait and see how that goes over. I played Resistance: Fall of Man over at a friend's house (location of my in-person DnD game, actually) and was enthralled by the game. And then we get Halo 3. I'm not going to buy one any time soon, I think, but I'm certainly entertaining the possibility. We'll see on this one.

One thing that the three-front set-up of this war is good for: many households that include even a softcore gamer are going to get two consoles. Now, let's take a look at our competitors. Sony's primary offering is enhanced graphics, a Blu-Ray player, an online network, and maybe a smattering of exclusive titles. Microsoft's primary offering is enhanced graphics, an HD-DVD player, an online network, and maybe a smattering of exclusive titles. Nintendo is throwing out an innovative, unique, fun experience, with games that don't necessarily look any better, but without a doubt play completely differently. If many people are going to buy two out of three, guess which one is going to be most consistently included in the mix. Nintendo has really moved into a tactical advantage here, and I'm pretty sure it's going to pan out for them.

My introduction

2007-06-24T22:48:00.000-07:00

So. This is my first post in this blog. I'm going to use it to talk about my alias.

I came up with the name "Proven Paradox" I dunno... five years ago? Something like that. I was talking with a friend of mine about a documentary I'd watched, because I'm a nerd and we were really damn bored. I think it was about the wave/particle duality of light, and all matter. Something about a phenomenon that shouldn't happen according to the laws of physics as we understand them, but obviously does. I don't remember specifics, of course, but you get the idea. It was a paradox, according to the rules as we've written them, and yet it happens. A proven paradox. Both of us stopped for a second after I said that phrase. I then said, "Damn, that would make a cool on-line name." Thus, my handle changed from "Elite" to "Proven Paradox." I've lost touch with a lot of the people who knew me as "Elite," which is something I regret. That's another rant, though. This is about my name.

So, for a while, everything was good. I had a kickin' alias that was apparently truly unique, and that holds to this day. I have never encountered another Proven Paradox.

Then the downsides came up.

The first should have been damn obvious. Proven Paradox. The initials are PP. How did I not see that!? It was right there! What the hell!? My name shortens into a cutesy word for urine!

But, hey, most people just point it out, chuckle, and move on. It gets annoying, but eh. It's still a cool name.

But people keep finding new ways to mangle it into something terrible. I know that Proven Paradox is a mouthful in chatrooms. It's usually shortened to Proven. A few people choose Paradox instead. At one place it was shortened to Para more than anything, but then there was also a dude named Paragon there, who was also shortened to Para, and things got confusing. Plus, he was a bit of a dick, and I don't wanna be confused for a dick. 'Cause I'm totally a nice guy. Really. People I talk to a lot call me 'Dox. That works. But from there, it usually goes downhill. Doxy. P Dox. Those are the two most common ones. There are more, but it's 1:30 and I'm tired.

Anyway. Yeah. I didn't have a point for this. I think my name is cool.